April 30th, 2009

I have really been down the past couple days, more than normal that is.

I finally broke down and cried Tuesday night. It was D.'s birthday, he was down all day, we both actually had a good cry that night. We had been looking forward to his birthday b/c that meant that our little baby would be arriving soon after. But, it didn't happen that way.


I thought that since I did cry the other night, that I was done with my anger stage. Boy was I wrong. I have tried and not been able to cry in about 6 weeks, and after Tues. I thought that I could let go of some of this anger and continue grieving. But since Tues, I can't seem to cry. I don't want to sit around and cry, I do want to some day be "happy", but this anger is eating me up!


I also have really been considering quiting my job, but it seems so selfish of me. There are so many people that their jobs are in jeopardy, or who have lost their jobs and here I am mapping out a financial plan so I can quite mine. (I would have to get another job) I think that I am ready not to be the boss, just go to work, and come home. I have always told all of the employees that I manage that if you do not like your job, and hate going to work in the am, your unhappiness is NOT worth the money. But I have to stop and think, I know that I am going through a very tough time in my life, and hopefully I will not always be this down and out, so I should hang on to my job, and get through the next several months. I don't want to give myself a time frame, but July will be 6 months, so I am trying to hang on til then and decide what to do. I do like / love my job, but my heart is not in it at all. I am doing what needs to be done, but really that is about it. I just want to be a recluse and not leave the house anymore. I have thought about just taking some unpaid time off for a month or so, but really don't think that would / could help. When I was off after loosing Little Dale, I took about 2 1/2 weeks off, could have taken more, but felt I would be "better" going back. I think that I was really getting very depressed being at home all that time. Looking back, I kind of wish that I took more time. Has anyone quit their job after their loss /es? Do you regret it? Did it help you and your family?


The grave site sitation (April 9th) has gotten bigger. (we were sold the wrong sites that had already been purchased) I don't know what is going to happen with that. We WILL NOT move Little Dale.


I know that I am dreading / thinking about Mother's Day, the Father's Day (I thought the baby would be born on that day), then his due date June 24th.... So these are heavily mind... That's all for now...


~Sarah~