Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Lost relationships......

have really been weighing heavily on my mind. I think that most all of us that have lost a child have been through this, I just wonder if we ever get them back?

The one that is bothering me the most is the distance between my Mom and I. I used to talk to her everyday, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day, about nothing. Just seeing what she is doing, how was her day, etc... I will say, that she is a very strong woman, but I think that she just does not know what say or do for us. She does not call at all like she used to. Heck, I haven't talked to her since Saturday, and I called her! Before that it was I think the Tuesday before! I want to talk to her and tell her some stuff, like we are still SO HURTING, I am VERY depressed, I have been seeing a therapist and we have been going to group counseling, the cemetery guy sold us the wrong grave site, we picked out and ordered L.D.'s head stone, I am HATING my job. I just don't know why she doesn't ask? I know, I could easily tell her this stuff, but I just don't want to bombard her with all of this and bring her down. I think that she is upset to see her daughter (me) hurting, she has to know, I have NOT been myself. Also, when we had L.D. we (D) had asked her to stay in the labor and delivery room while we had him. I am sure that was hard for her, seeing her grandchild born, and not be alive, and I understand that.

Another relationship that is on my mind is a friend that I have had since kindergarten. We have always been close. However, not that she did anything at all, since I lost L.D., I don't want to pursue our friendship. She has texted, emailed and v.m. me several times since we lost him, and I have no desire to connect to her. Why is this?

I don't remember having these feelings when we lost our first Angel, 13 years ago. Maybe I don't remember, or maybe I was to young to "feel" anything like this. I don't know. But it really is bothering me. Because I do love these two people so much.....



~Sarah~

3 comments:

angie said...

at different times in our lives, we need different things. the mom factor is so hard, because no one can sort of fill that mom-shaped hole that is missing, you know. that is how i am feeling lately. and friendships with people who are well-meaning, good even, are hard, because there is so many back emotions, so much underlying our grief, that it seems so overwhelming to me to have to explain to someone who hasn't gone through this...((hugs)) it is all so complicated. sending you much love.

Yaya said...

These feelings are "normal" for your situation. Other relationships take a hit because the grief that we feel is so isolating and others just don't "get" it.

Janice said...

... such an impossible thing to understand. Sadly, I don't have many relationships that weathered the storm. People are afraid to say the wrong thing and we are afraid to get close to people, for whatever reasons. I have lost so many people in my life since I lost my son and after 3 years, some don't bother me at all and others break my heart everyday that we aren't the way we used to be. I can't say it's normal or right, but I can say I know what you mean! A part of us dies when our babies die and people have to get to know a new us, a stranger- sometimes people can't connect with new, broken us...