Monday, February 8, 2010
So much has been going on, but yet nothing has changed. Life obviously has gone on, and let me tell ya, I did not think that my life would go on a year ago.
I have still been seeing my therapist. She is a great person and so very helpful. Just when I think that I am getting better, something seems to change my mind. My last appointment with her, I was thinking that would be it for a while. Now, another bump in this road. My grief has taken a turn. Not for the best either. Nothing is there to "trigger" it. "It" just seems to float on into my life. I don't know what "it" is either. My mood, my broken heart, my thoughts that just won't end, my feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. I just don't know.
I had to make my yearly appointment last week. That in itself gave me great anxiety. I actually was trying to get into a new Dr. The Dr. that I Dr'd with when we lost Little Dale was great through my whole pregnancy. However, there were a few things that happened at the end that I was not, and still not happy with. The last thing was when we came back for the 6 week follow up appointment after loosing him, one of the last things the Dr said to us was, it was ok with him if we wanted to find a new dr. I have several great friends that I have met since loosing Little Dale, who rave about how caring, concerned, nice their dr's were when they lost their little angels. I just found his statement at that time to be odd, to say the least. I couldn't understand why he would say that to me, to us. We were in his office, I was obviously bawling my eyes out asking questions and this is what he chooses to say. Now, in his defense (b/c that is how I am) he did say that he has "heard" others say it was hard to come back to the same place that they were pregnant, etc... Mind you, we did NOT have Little Dale here, b/c the Dr. transferred us to a different hospital. (haven't posted that story yet) SO ANYWAY, I couldn't get an appointment with who I thought that I wanted, and made an appointment with the old Dr. I didn't think that I could get in as soon as she got me in, I was thinking a couple months as he books that far out, they got me in the next week! The closer the day got, the more anxiety I was having, and low and behold, the other dr office called me to get me in too. So I canceled my original. whew... didn't know getting a new dr was so difficult, they have to "approve" the patients before they will take them..???
Another Dr. situation happened this past Friday. My reg GP transferred to urgent care, in another town back in December. I have been putting off and was going to keep putting off getting a new GP, until I noticed my Met.fo.rmin needed Dr. Approval. Long story short, I went to the same Dr Office as my last dr to another lady there, just for my diabetic med. WELL, she "lectured" me for about 10 minutes on trying again. Seriously. I sat there and gave her this look and said a few things that probally shouldn't have been said. BUT only after she had the balls to say to me "IF YOU REALLY WANT TO HAVE A FAMILY, YOU NEED TO KEEP TRYING" . Are you serious. I tried to explain to her, rather nicely, that yes, that is ALL we want, but for us, we are on the WRONG END of the statistics. WE ARE 0 for 2. We don't produce live babies. IF I REALLY WANT TO HAVE A FAMILY?!?!?!?! We have tried for YEARS, YEARS of heartache, tears, ups and downs, medicine, dr's,... what the hell does she want from me. It should be OUR decision on what we are doing. HELL, I WASN'T EVEN THERE FOR HER TO TALK TO ME ABOUT THAT!!!! She even said to me that she was sorry if this was an inappropriate conversation for her to have we me, and I said, I appreciate that. MAYBE she was trying to help, MAYBE I was meant to see her, MAYBE this was supposed to be a good thing, but let me tell ya, it completely tore me back down. YES I want a family more than anything in the world. I would give up everything and live in a box to have a family. I struggle enough with the fact that I can't give my husband any children. That my parents or in-laws won't have a living grandchild from us, or that our brothers and sisters won't have a living niece or nephew from us, or their kids' won't have a living cousin from us. I STRUGGLE WITH THAT! It hurts knowing / thinking that I, ME, have let EVERYONE CLOSE TO ME DOWN! And she expects me to "keep trying"? WE have to heal. WE have to finish grieving. We have to make sure that WE are ok. And trying right now is not the answer. But at least I got my meds refilled, right?
WOW, I think that helped. I hope this finds every as well as can be expected.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
A year ago today we got to meet you, to hold you and kiss you
A year ago today we had to let you go, to heaven with our first Angel
A year ago today our hearts were broken, completely shattered
A year ago today seems like a life time ago
A year ago today seems like only yesterday
A year ago today will never be forgotten
Happy Birthday Son. Your Mommy and Daddy love you!
Friday, January 8, 2010
My husband's response, through tears, with a half smile on his face, "Don't be sorry, you have given me everything I have ever wanted, a son. I love you, Sarah", he kissed my forehead, and hugged me.
The only thing I could think was yes, I gave you a son, but he was dead.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Our little baby was with us, alive, waiting to be born.
Little did we know that our life was about to be turned upside down,
Our hearts would be crushed, torn apart.
Never to be the same again.
Oh how I wish that things would have been different.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
That's where I've been. Struggling to go on. Struggling to go about a new day. Struggling to live my life. Struggling with relationships. Struggling to work. Lost in this drowning sea of grief. Just when life seems to be getting easier, a nice big wave comes and crashes into my heart, breaking it, smashing it to pieces all over again. And I am back to drowning.
The 9th was Baby Dale's 9 month birthday. The dates fell exactly how they did back in Jan. Thurs. the 8th, Friday the 9th, Sat. the 10th and Sunday the 11th. Nine months. wow. When you say it, it seems so far away, but then I can remember every little detail as it was yesterday.
That seems to be part of my issue. My therapist is concerned that I might actually have a chemical imbalance and anxiety. For the past month and a half, that is all I can think about. It is not as bad as the beginning, but pretty darn close. I think about the sequence of events leading up to our baby boy's death. It never gets easier. So much harder. We were discussing meds at my last appointment. I do not want to go on them, however, I am afraid that time is coming. I have these irrational fears, deeper worries than I have before. I don't want to leave the house, I don't want to see people, or talk to anyone. D & I are drifting, not bad, but I feel it, he feels it. I can't give him the one thing that he wants the most, and it breaks my heart to know that it breaks his. He says that he is so happy with just us. But to remember seeing his face, and feeling his excitement and love towards this baby, and how proud he was. He tells me I have given him everything he wants, we have two little babies, but I can't help and think, they are gone. Not here. Gone.
I have begun turning away from my Savior, our Lord. I am trying not to. I can't tell you the last time I actually prayed. Prayed for my husband, my children, my family. Nothing. Yeah, I have said a quick, thank you GOD, but not actually prayed. In fact, I have been skipping church. 2 times. I am back to the whole, nothing bad can happen to me if I don't go, I've lost my children, nothing can be worse. Right?
The whole depression commercials, that is me. I feel like I am hurting everyone around me and I just want it to stop. Stop hurting. Me. My husband. My family. My friend(s). So much I have stopped caring about. Gained weight, late bills, don't clean the house like I used to, bad attitude, appearance.... wow.. just about got it all. None of this matters anymore. I guess that I think that since I am aware of what I am feeling that is good, right? I don't think that I have ever been depressed in my life. Yeah, the occasional, having a bad day or two, but never this long...
Honestly, I don't know what I expected for dealing with loosing our son. Did / do I think that I need to be healed by now? Is the pain supposed to be lessened now? Why do "they", people & books, tell us, it gets easier with time, time heals all pain. That is a line of b.s. I will forever feel this way. As much as I try not to.
I truly hope that you are all doing well.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Eight months ago Friday, he was buried.
Eight months seems so far away, yet I can remember every little detail like it just happened. Vividly. Clearly. Oh how I wish things would have been so different.