Thursday, April 30, 2009

April 30th, 2009

I have really been down the past couple days, more than normal that is.

I finally broke down and cried Tuesday night. It was D.'s birthday, he was down all day, we both actually had a good cry that night. We had been looking forward to his birthday b/c that meant that our little baby would be arriving soon after. But, it didn't happen that way.

I thought that since I did cry the other night, that I was done with my anger stage. Boy was I wrong. I have tried and not been able to cry in about 6 weeks, and after Tues. I thought that I could let go of some of this anger and continue grieving. But since Tues, I can't seem to cry. I don't want to sit around and cry, I do want to some day be "happy", but this anger is eating me up!

I also have really been considering quiting my job, but it seems so selfish of me. There are so many people that their jobs are in jeopardy, or who have lost their jobs and here I am mapping out a financial plan so I can quite mine. (I would have to get another job) I think that I am ready not to be the boss, just go to work, and come home. I have always told all of the employees that I manage that if you do not like your job, and hate going to work in the am, your unhappiness is NOT worth the money. But I have to stop and think, I know that I am going through a very tough time in my life, and hopefully I will not always be this down and out, so I should hang on to my job, and get through the next several months. I don't want to give myself a time frame, but July will be 6 months, so I am trying to hang on til then and decide what to do. I do like / love my job, but my heart is not in it at all. I am doing what needs to be done, but really that is about it. I just want to be a recluse and not leave the house anymore. I have thought about just taking some unpaid time off for a month or so, but really don't think that would / could help. When I was off after loosing Little Dale, I took about 2 1/2 weeks off, could have taken more, but felt I would be "better" going back. I think that I was really getting very depressed being at home all that time. Looking back, I kind of wish that I took more time. Has anyone quit their job after their loss /es? Do you regret it? Did it help you and your family?

The grave site sitation (April 9th) has gotten bigger. (we were sold the wrong sites that had already been purchased) I don't know what is going to happen with that. We WILL NOT move Little Dale.

I know that I am dreading / thinking about Mother's Day, the Father's Day (I thought the baby would be born on that day), then his due date June 24th.... So these are heavily mind... That's all for now...



Natalie said...

Oh Sarah, so much all at once. I sincerely wish I had the words to make you feel better. I'm sorry I don't. But I hope you know that I think of you all the time, keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
I admire your strength and the courage you have found to just keep going. Peace and much love to you!

Sarah said...

Thank you Natalie.

Mirne said...

I've also lost all desire to do my job. I have a job with responsibilities - and I'm not up to it now. I haven't been up to it since Kees died. I've not been able to go back to work full-time - so now I'm only working three mornings a week. I'm finding that even too much for me.
I see myself finishing this job in the next year or so. Then I won't be working in this industry and at this level again.
We'll have to organise our life and finances so that we can live on one income instead of two.
I feel very comfortable with these decisions.

Anonymous said...

I too am dreading Mother's Day. I just want it over with already.

And I too have no desire to work anymore because of my losses. things like work seem pointless.

Rach said...

Dreading mothers day for you...

I am not working (I left work after our eldest daughter was born) but do a little work from home. I don't have the drive I once did but some days it is a little distraction.

I hope you get the grave issue sorted - just so distressing for you.


Sarah said...

Thank you all!