May 28th....

There is so much that is going on, so much I want to say, but nothing really matters. My Son is not here with us. I am still pissed off at the world, hating everything.

The cemetery situation is still not any better. We called the guy that sold us the wrong plots and buried our Son at the wrong end, and he was a dick. Sorry, but he was. He very rudely, bluntly, curtly said NO! they wouldn't pay for it. Needless to say that we ARE taking it to the church board meeting and seeing what can be done with it. I wrote a very "nice" letter letting them know what had happened (he has not told anyone that we know of that this has happened, not even the Priest). I think that he will be very surprised to see us there and get the letter. It's bad enough that we are going through it, trying to grieve, and on top of it we have to arrange and pay to correct his mistake.

Our house is still in shambles... we are still waiting for the contractor to come and fix the drywall and floor and everything else. Our little baby's room, that should have a crib, changing table, baby clothes, toys, now sits torn a apart, no floor with a hole in the wall. We do think that we got the mold though. Not that it matters now. Of course, every time that I even step foot in that room, or make sure that it is gone in our room, I think, was this (mold) the reason that our baby died? (Deep down, probably not. In hindsight, there was not a lot, at all. The contractor said this was nothing compared to what some people live in..)Seriously, there was about a half inch wide and maybe 6-8 inches total long, not even consecutive.

Dates are looming up on us.. Little Dale's due date is coming up on June 24th. I would like to take this whole month, and just run away, or stay in bed, or crawl in a hole, it really doesn't matter. At our SHARE meeting, one of the lady's there said she looked at her due date differently. And she has a point. I have been dwelling on "I should be this far along" etc... but she put it like this, after her due date came and went, she knew that she would have had her baby by then, so she shouldn't be pregnant. So I am thinking the same. June 25th, I would have been no longer pregnant. Plus Father's day is right around the corner. D is really dreading this one... His heart is so heavy right now also. I don't know how it will all work out. I just wish that we could go back to Jan., and everything would be fine. We would be 36 weeks pregnant, with a little baby. We would / should have everything ready for him / her. We were not going to find out, and we could not wait until the moment came that they told us what we had. Well, actually it did happen that way, only when our baby came, he was dead.

I still have not been back to church. It is not bothering me as much. I just found out this Sunday from my sister that our Priest is leaving the first of July. I cried so much. Actually Sat and Sun I cried. Over everything. And nothing. Being Catholic, we have had several different priest. Being from a small community, all the religions around, priest, preachers, etc.. come and go every couple years. Our current Priest means so much to us. He performed our marriage ceremony in the Catholic Church (we were first married at D's church, Baptist, I then wanted to be married in the Catholic church and have it recognized.) We got to know him through this process. Then, when we found out that we were expecting, we asked him to bless our pregnancy, and our home. He did both. He always was smiling. I remember him just grinning after mass at how big I was getting. He is Haitian, and speaks proper English, but broken. One day after mass he was smiling and said, "oh I see baby is getting big"... he is so great. He really had meaning when he preached. And then the day we had Little Dale, he was out of town in St Louis on a re-treat, and he drove all the way up (approx 3 hrs) to be with us in the hospital, and bless our Son. He was there for us. He preformed our Son's funeral. He sent a "church" card,a and a personal card. I met with him in Feb.09 b/c I was having such a hard time. He was part of the reason D thought about becoming Catholic. He never judged. He tried to help. Now, he is leaving, and I haven't been back to church. He will always have a special place in our hearts, for the person that he his, and his connection he has with us, and our Son.

I met with my therapist today. The next time we meet, all the above mentioned, should hopefully be done. Finished. Taken care of. Dealt with. And I am hoping that I can get out of this angry stage. I think that I will be able to move on with my grieving, maybe even grieve properly, if there is such a thing. I feel like the cemetery situation, our house being torn apart is really holding this off, as these are what help keeps me angry...

~Sarah~