And I can't seem to concentrate....
Our little angel was brought into this world, still, three months ago on April 9. That is hitting us very hard. We attended my husband's nieces' baby's memorial service today. That has also been heavily on our minds. We both felt guilty if you will. We were there for his niece and her family, but L.D. and what we had been through was so much on our heart and mind.
We went to pick out L.D.'s head stone a couple weeks ago. I don't know what exactly I was thinking, but it was SO MUCH harder than what I (we) had thought. I guess I thought the "hard" part was done, loosing L.D., the funeral, and the past several months of grieving. Boy were we both wrong. There was so much to decide! I do not wish this on ANYONE! I have told several family members to have your funeral plans / head stone "wishes" before anyone has to go through that. Even if you don't pay for it, write it down and hope that someone will honor it.
While grieving the loss of L.D. I have pretty much "removed" all of my friends from my life. I seriously wrote an email stating that I knew that people were contacting me and I wasn't responding, but understand that I am going through a rough period. Honestly, I was tired of hearing all the so called kind words that hurt. And too, I friends were the last thing on my mind. I didn't and still don't care what is going on in the friend world. Don't get me wrong, I still care about them all. It's just the things that "mattered" before, don't anymore. I have my family, and that is all I need. Someday I might look back and think "what the hell was I thinking", but as of now, I am OK with it.
Which brings me to the whole "I don't care attitude" that I have been having. I really don't. I don't care if the house is cleaned, I haven't been grocery shopping in several weeks, we have been eating out and that is not good for either one of our healths, I don't care about work, I haven't been able to go to church and stay, I don't have the desires I used to have, even over the simplest things! I know that I am probably depresses, and I am seeing someone for that. I have not been watching my diet (I am type II diabetic), not exercising, who even cares about bills, and them being late (that used to be SO important)... I JUST DON"T SEEM TO CARE ABOUT ANYTHING...
You know, it is really helping me write/blog. My therapist actually recommended journaling. When I first lost L.D., I found some blogs that really helped me. Just seeing what we all have been through, are going through and will continue to go through, I thought if I blogged, I could 1) help someone else 2) help w/ my grieving process. And so far, it has and SO MANY of you in blog land have helped! Some days (quiet a few) you guys are my life line! Sometimes I think, why am I feeling this way, etc.. and I find someone else is going through / has been through and I feel that I am normal, at least in our world. Thank you all for helping me get through this hell!