Saturday, October 17, 2009

Struggling & lost....

That's where I've been. Struggling to go on. Struggling to go about a new day. Struggling to live my life. Struggling with relationships. Struggling to work. Lost in this drowning sea of grief. Just when life seems to be getting easier, a nice big wave comes and crashes into my heart, breaking it, smashing it to pieces all over again. And I am back to drowning.

The 9th was Baby Dale's 9 month birthday. The dates fell exactly how they did back in Jan. Thurs. the 8th, Friday the 9th, Sat. the 10th and Sunday the 11th. Nine months. wow. When you say it, it seems so far away, but then I can remember every little detail as it was yesterday.

That seems to be part of my issue. My therapist is concerned that I might actually have a chemical imbalance and anxiety. For the past month and a half, that is all I can think about. It is not as bad as the beginning, but pretty darn close. I think about the sequence of events leading up to our baby boy's death. It never gets easier. So much harder. We were discussing meds at my last appointment. I do not want to go on them, however, I am afraid that time is coming. I have these irrational fears, deeper worries than I have before. I don't want to leave the house, I don't want to see people, or talk to anyone. D & I are drifting, not bad, but I feel it, he feels it. I can't give him the one thing that he wants the most, and it breaks my heart to know that it breaks his. He says that he is so happy with just us. But to remember seeing his face, and feeling his excitement and love towards this baby, and how proud he was. He tells me I have given him everything he wants, we have two little babies, but I can't help and think, they are gone. Not here. Gone.

I have begun turning away from my Savior, our Lord. I am trying not to. I can't tell you the last time I actually prayed. Prayed for my husband, my children, my family. Nothing. Yeah, I have said a quick, thank you GOD, but not actually prayed. In fact, I have been skipping church. 2 times. I am back to the whole, nothing bad can happen to me if I don't go, I've lost my children, nothing can be worse. Right?

The whole depression commercials, that is me. I feel like I am hurting everyone around me and I just want it to stop. Stop hurting. Me. My husband. My family. My friend(s). So much I have stopped caring about. Gained weight, late bills, don't clean the house like I used to, bad attitude, appearance.... wow.. just about got it all. None of this matters anymore. I guess that I think that since I am aware of what I am feeling that is good, right? I don't think that I have ever been depressed in my life. Yeah, the occasional, having a bad day or two, but never this long...

Honestly, I don't know what I expected for dealing with loosing our son. Did / do I think that I need to be healed by now? Is the pain supposed to be lessened now? Why do "they", people & books, tell us, it gets easier with time, time heals all pain. That is a line of b.s. I will forever feel this way. As much as I try not to.

I truly hope that you are all doing well.



Franchesca Cox said...

I agree with you, time hardly heals. That is a bunch of lies. I think it just God that can heal the heart. We all face the world that just doesn't matter anymore. I wish it wasn't this way. I wish soo sooo much that we all had our babies back. Time doesn't heal. You're so right.

Praying for you, Sarah.


Suzie said...

I have no words... Just know that I am praying for you.

Sending Hugs and Love from TX

Cooper's Momma

Marie W said...

I have missed you hunny. Time does not heal, but it does get easier to bear. There are days that you will be fine and think I can do this, and other days the grief hits you like a ton of bricks. Take as long as you need to heal, but if my advice means anything - lean on your hubby. Don't push him away, if you ask, observe, you will be surprised to know that he feels the same way and hurts more for you. I am praying for you hun and know that I am always here to talk. You can always e-mail me directly -

Lea said...

Sarah - I hear the pain in your words. I/we found 9 months really, really hard too.... not sure why, exactly. Time does not heal, it only gives a chance to get accustomed to this new life long journey. I am so sorry you are hurting so much. Accepting some help (even in the form of medication) may be the best way to get yourself out of the deep funk?

Love and strength to you.

Anonymous said...


I don't know where I'd be without my lexapro...

Fireflyforever said...

I found nine months so very difficult too - I suppose because that was how long I got to keep her for and now she's been gone form me longer than that. I agree that time does not heal, certainly not time measured in mere months.

I hope you are able to come to a peaceful decision about meds.

Snarky Belle said...

I am so sorry. Sending peaceful, loving thoughts your way.