Monday, February 8, 2010

All over the place....

That is where I am. Tomorrow will be one year and one month since we held our little angel. 13 months. It is hard to believe that is has been that long. It seems like only yesterday.
So much has been going on, but yet nothing has changed. Life obviously has gone on, and let me tell ya, I did not think that my life would go on a year ago.

I have still been seeing my therapist. She is a great person and so very helpful. Just when I think that I am getting better, something seems to change my mind. My last appointment with her, I was thinking that would be it for a while. Now, another bump in this road. My grief has taken a turn. Not for the best either. Nothing is there to "trigger" it. "It" just seems to float on into my life. I don't know what "it" is either. My mood, my broken heart, my thoughts that just won't end, my feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. I just don't know.

I had to make my yearly appointment last week. That in itself gave me great anxiety. I actually was trying to get into a new Dr. The Dr. that I Dr'd with when we lost Little Dale was great through my whole pregnancy. However, there were a few things that happened at the end that I was not, and still not happy with. The last thing was when we came back for the 6 week follow up appointment after loosing him, one of the last things the Dr said to us was, it was ok with him if we wanted to find a new dr. I have several great friends that I have met since loosing Little Dale, who rave about how caring, concerned, nice their dr's were when they lost their little angels. I just found his statement at that time to be odd, to say the least. I couldn't understand why he would say that to me, to us. We were in his office, I was obviously bawling my eyes out asking questions and this is what he chooses to say. Now, in his defense (b/c that is how I am) he did say that he has "heard" others say it was hard to come back to the same place that they were pregnant, etc... Mind you, we did NOT have Little Dale here, b/c the Dr. transferred us to a different hospital. (haven't posted that story yet) SO ANYWAY, I couldn't get an appointment with who I thought that I wanted, and made an appointment with the old Dr. I didn't think that I could get in as soon as she got me in, I was thinking a couple months as he books that far out, they got me in the next week! The closer the day got, the more anxiety I was having, and low and behold, the other dr office called me to get me in too. So I canceled my original. whew... didn't know getting a new dr was so difficult, they have to "approve" the patients before they will take them..???

Another Dr. situation happened this past Friday. My reg GP transferred to urgent care, in another town back in December. I have been putting off and was going to keep putting off getting a new GP, until I noticed my needed Dr. Approval. Long story short, I went to the same Dr Office as my last dr to another lady there, just for my diabetic med. WELL, she "lectured" me for about 10 minutes on trying again. Seriously. I sat there and gave her this look and said a few things that probally shouldn't have been said. BUT only after she had the balls to say to me "IF YOU REALLY WANT TO HAVE A FAMILY, YOU NEED TO KEEP TRYING" . Are you serious. I tried to explain to her, rather nicely, that yes, that is ALL we want, but for us, we are on the WRONG END of the statistics. WE ARE 0 for 2. We don't produce live babies. IF I REALLY WANT TO HAVE A FAMILY?!?!?!?! We have tried for YEARS, YEARS of heartache, tears, ups and downs, medicine, dr's,... what the hell does she want from me. It should be OUR decision on what we are doing. HELL, I WASN'T EVEN THERE FOR HER TO TALK TO ME ABOUT THAT!!!! She even said to me that she was sorry if this was an inappropriate conversation for her to have we me, and I said, I appreciate that. MAYBE she was trying to help, MAYBE I was meant to see her, MAYBE this was supposed to be a good thing, but let me tell ya, it completely tore me back down. YES I want a family more than anything in the world. I would give up everything and live in a box to have a family. I struggle enough with the fact that I can't give my husband any children. That my parents or in-laws won't have a living grandchild from us, or that our brothers and sisters won't have a living niece or nephew from us, or their kids' won't have a living cousin from us. I STRUGGLE WITH THAT! It hurts knowing / thinking that I, ME, have let EVERYONE CLOSE TO ME DOWN! And she expects me to "keep trying"? WE have to heal. WE have to finish grieving. We have to make sure that WE are ok. And trying right now is not the answer. But at least I got my meds refilled, right?

WOW, I think that helped. I hope this finds every as well as can be expected.



Mary said...

Sarah, it is so hard for others to know what we are going thru. They don't get that yes, it is easy to say have another baby. But when struggling to actually have a child especially after a loss is not ever easy. Your world is rocked in so many different ways. I hope that you find comfort today in some way.

Marie W said...

Hi Sarah! Sopping by to send you some love. You are missed and being prayed for.