tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-74930337438651505872024-03-13T10:25:35.106-05:00Little Dale IIIWe love you and miss you!Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00124887883781922993noreply@blogger.comBlogger66125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7493033743865150587.post-4116001401828441562010-02-08T16:45:00.002-06:002010-02-08T17:16:44.325-06:00All over the place....That is where I am. Tomorrow will be one year and one month since we held our little angel. 13 months. It is hard to believe that is has been that long. It seems like only yesterday.<br />So much has been going on, but yet nothing has changed. Life obviously has gone on, and let me tell ya, I did not think that my life would go on a year ago. <br /><br />I have still been seeing my therapist. She is a great person and so very helpful. Just when I think that I am getting better, something seems to change my mind. My last appointment with her, I was thinking that would be it for a while. Now, another bump in this road. My grief has taken a turn. Not for the best either. Nothing is there to "trigger" it. "It" just seems to float on into my life. I don't know what "it" is either. My mood, my broken heart, my thoughts that just won't end, my feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. I just don't know.<br /><br />I had to make my yearly appointment last week. That in itself gave me great anxiety. I actually was trying to get into a new Dr. The Dr. that I Dr'd with when we lost Little Dale was great through my whole pregnancy. However, there were a few things that happened at the end that I was not, and still not happy with. The last thing was when we came back for the 6 week follow up appointment after loosing him, one of the last things the Dr said to us was, it was ok with him if we wanted to find a new dr. I have several great friends that I have met since loosing Little Dale, who rave about how caring, concerned, nice their dr's were when they lost their little angels. I just found his statement at that time to be odd, to say the least. I couldn't understand why he would say that to me, to us. We were in his office, I was obviously bawling my eyes out asking questions and this is what he chooses to say. Now, in his defense (b/c that is how I am) he did say that he has "heard" others say it was hard to come back to the same place that they were pregnant, etc... Mind you, we did NOT have Little Dale here, b/c the Dr. transferred us to a different hospital. (haven't posted that story yet) SO ANYWAY, I couldn't get an appointment with who I thought that I wanted, and made an appointment with the old Dr. I didn't think that I could get in as soon as she got me in, I was thinking a couple months as he books that far out, they got me in the next week! The closer the day got, the more anxiety I was having, and low and behold, the other dr office called me to get me in too. So I canceled my original. whew... didn't know getting a new dr was so difficult, they have to "approve" the patients before they will take them..???<br /><br />Another Dr. situation happened this past Friday. My reg GP transferred to urgent care, in another town back in December. I have been putting off and was going to keep putting off getting a new GP, until I noticed my Met.fo.rmin needed Dr. Approval. Long story short, I went to the same Dr Office as my last dr to another lady there, just for my diabetic med. WELL, she "lectured" me for about 10 minutes on trying again. Seriously. I sat there and gave her this look and said a few things that probally shouldn't have been said. BUT only after she had the balls to say to me "<span style="font-style: italic;">IF YOU REALLY WANT TO HAVE A FAMILY, YOU NEED TO KEEP TRYING" . </span>Are you serious. I tried to explain to her, rather nicely, that yes, that is ALL we want, but for us, we are on the WRONG END of the statistics. WE ARE 0 for 2. We don't produce live babies. IF I REALLY WANT TO HAVE A FAMILY?!?!?!?! We have tried for YEARS, YEARS of heartache, tears, ups and downs, medicine, dr's,... what the hell does she want from me. It should be OUR decision on what we are doing. HELL, I WASN'T EVEN THERE FOR HER TO TALK TO ME ABOUT THAT!!!! She even said to me that she was sorry if this was an inappropriate conversation for her to have we me, and I said, I appreciate that. MAYBE she was trying to help, MAYBE I was meant to see her, MAYBE this was supposed to be a good thing, but let me tell ya, it completely tore me back down. YES I want a family more than anything in the world. I would give up everything and live in a box to have a family. I struggle enough with the fact that I can't give my husband any children. That my parents or in-laws won't have a living grandchild from us, or that our brothers and sisters won't have a living niece or nephew from us, or their kids' won't have a living cousin from us. I STRUGGLE WITH THAT! It hurts knowing / thinking that I, ME, have let EVERYONE CLOSE TO ME DOWN! And she expects me to "keep trying"? WE have to heal. WE have to finish grieving. We have to make sure that WE are ok. And trying right now is not the answer. But at least I got my meds refilled, right?<br /><br /><br />WOW, I think that helped. I hope this finds every as well as can be expected. <br /><br />~Sarah~Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00124887883781922993noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7493033743865150587.post-69036068155968278842010-01-09T07:08:00.002-06:002010-01-09T07:16:32.903-06:00Happy Birthday Baby Dale!A year ago today you were born to soon, never to take a breath in this world<br />A year ago today we got to meet you, to hold you and kiss you<br />A year ago today we had to let you go, to heaven with our first Angel<br />A year ago today our hearts were broken, completely shattered<br />A year ago today seems like a life time ago<br />A year ago today seems like only yesterday<br />A year ago today will never be forgotten<br /><br /><br />Happy Birthday Son. Your Mommy and Daddy love you!<br /><br />~Sarah~Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00124887883781922993noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7493033743865150587.post-45097314055534949742010-01-08T15:56:00.005-06:002010-01-08T16:06:35.711-06:00"I'm so very sorry...."I can remember saying that, crying, laying on the hospital bed. We had just had our son. He was not alive.<br />My husband's response, through tears, with a half smile on his face, "<span style="font-style: italic;">Don't be sorry, you have given me everything I have ever wanted, a son. I love you, Sarah"</span>, he kissed my forehead, and hugged me.<br />The only thing I could think was yes, I gave you a son, but he was dead.<br /><br />~Sarah~Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00124887883781922993noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7493033743865150587.post-57418697792189227292010-01-06T06:05:00.002-06:002010-01-06T06:09:22.622-06:00One year ago today....Everything was perfect.<br />Our little baby was with us, alive, waiting to be born.<br />Little did we know that our life was about to be turned upside down,<br />Our hearts would be crushed, torn apart.<br />Never to be the same again.<br />Oh how I wish that things would have been different.<br />~Sarah~Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00124887883781922993noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7493033743865150587.post-91272426101202166632009-10-20T19:57:00.004-05:002009-10-20T20:05:16.660-05:00Sharing ...Another Mom of an Angel recently showed me this necklace that was made out of her little baby girls flowers from her funeral. I thought that I would pass along the website. I wish I had known about it when we lost L.D., as I would have save more flowers. What they do is take the actual flower and make it into a necklace, bracelet, etc.. the prices are pretty reasonable.<br /><a href="http://www.beads-n-more.homestead.com/">www.beads-n-more.homestead.com</a><br /><br />~Sarah~Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00124887883781922993noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7493033743865150587.post-39469000444585368332009-10-17T03:47:00.003-05:002009-10-17T21:20:03.976-05:00Struggling & lost....<p>That's where I've been. Struggling to go on. Struggling to go about a new day. Struggling to live my life. Struggling with relationships. Struggling to work. Lost in this drowning sea of grief. Just when life seems to be getting easier, a nice big wave comes and crashes into my heart, breaking it, smashing it to pieces all over again. And I am back to drowning.</p><p>The 9th was Baby Dale's 9 month birthday. The dates fell exactly how they did back in Jan. Thurs. the 8th, Friday the 9th, Sat. the 10th and Sunday the 11th. Nine months. wow. When you say it, it seems so far away, but then I can remember every little detail as it was yesterday.</p><p>That seems to be part of my issue. My therapist is concerned that I might actually have a chemical imbalance and anxiety. For the past month and a half, that is all I can think about. It is not as bad as the beginning, but pretty darn close. I think about the sequence of events leading up to our baby boy's death. It never gets easier. So much harder. We were discussing meds at my last appointment. I do not want to go on them, however, I am afraid that time is coming. I have these irrational fears, deeper worries than I have before. I don't want to leave the house, I don't want to see people, or talk to anyone. D & I are drifting, not bad, but I feel it, he feels it. I can't give him the one thing that he wants the most, and it breaks my heart to know that it breaks his. He says that he is so happy with just us. But to remember seeing his face, and feeling his excitement and love towards this baby, and how proud he was. He tells me I have given him everything he wants, we have two little babies, but I can't help and think, they are gone. Not here. Gone. </p><p>I have begun turning away from my Savior, our Lord. I am trying not to. I can't tell you the last time I actually prayed. Prayed for my husband, my children, my family. Nothing. Yeah, I have said a quick, thank you GOD, but not actually prayed. In fact, I have been skipping church. 2 times. I am back to the whole, nothing bad can happen to me if I don't go, I've lost my children, nothing can be worse. Right?</p><p>The whole depression commercials, that is me. I feel like I am hurting everyone around me and I just want it to stop. Stop hurting. Me. My husband. My family. My friend(s). So much I have stopped caring about. Gained weight, late bills, don't clean the house like I used to, bad attitude, appearance.... wow.. just about got it all. None of this matters anymore. I guess that I think that since I am aware of what I am feeling that is good, right? I don't think that I have ever been depressed in my life. Yeah, the occasional, having a bad day or two, but never this long... </p><p>Honestly, I don't know what I expected for dealing with loosing our son. Did / do I think that I need to be healed by now? Is the pain supposed to be lessened now? Why do "they", people & books, tell us, it gets easier with time, time heals all pain. That is a line of b.s. I will forever feel this way. As much as I try not to. </p><p>I truly hope that you are all doing well.</p><p><br />~Sarah~ </p>Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00124887883781922993noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7493033743865150587.post-20269165406053827302009-09-08T16:01:00.002-05:002009-09-08T16:07:29.580-05:00Sept. 09Eight months ago, we found out our precious little baby was no longer living safely inside of me. Eight months ago tomorrow, he was born, sleeping.<br />Eight months ago Friday, he was buried.<br />Eight months seems so far away, yet I can remember every little detail like it just happened. Vividly. Clearly. Oh how I wish things would have been so different.<br /><br /><br />~Sarah~Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00124887883781922993noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7493033743865150587.post-34139361533790482772009-08-15T08:02:00.003-05:002009-08-15T08:34:22.502-05:00Oh the innocence....I was watching the local news this am and there was this young, bliss-full, been-together-since- high -school couple on this particular local channel, documenting their pregnancy. There was no story behind the reason for them documenting this on the news other than "to have documentation of the pregnancy" and to "help others" (?)- per the husband. No infertility problems that they overcame (that they spoke of), no multiples, nothing out of the "ordinary". They showed them at their home, at their dr. appointment, the sonogram. She is only 13 weeks & 2 days. On T.V. Her comment was she was "glad they were past the first trimester". My heart sank for her, them. They both do not know what in the world can happen! There is so much that can happen with out such notice, that can break one's heart. They could not pick up the heart beat with the doppler, but could on the sonogram. When they first said that, I thought, shirley not! Then they showed the sono and said there was the heart beat, and a little baby floating around.....<br /><br />*Sigh*<br /><br />We saw Little Dales heartbeat on the sono at 6 weeks and heart it on the doppler at 9 weeks and 14 weeks. I to was so glad to be past the first trimester, in the safetly zone. Everything was perfect with no problems, or so we thought. And there still is "no reason" that we lost him, and our innocence, what little we had left.<br /><br />I do hope that they have a happy ending.<br /><br />~Sarah~Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00124887883781922993noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7493033743865150587.post-85385706402161233732009-08-11T10:58:00.002-05:002009-08-11T11:19:07.387-05:00Aug 11, 2009There is SO much I want to say these days... so much going on...<br />***********************************************************<br />The month of August has always been hard. This is the month that our first little Angel was due to be born, Aug 23. Every year I remember this day, this month. Hard to imagine we would have a 13 year old! I have only had one vision of what we would have had, and it is since we lost Little Dale. It was the night before the whole cemetery meeting, and I pictured a beautiful young girl holding Little Dale. We miss our first Angel so much. <br />************************************************************<br />Today was 7 months ago when we buried our Son. Sunday was 7 months ago that he was born. Everything is just swirling around in my head. Everything is so vivid. Still. It still is so hard. I think that I thought it wouldn't be this hard, this far out. But it sure is. D. has been having some bad days also.... I miss him so much.<br /><br />************************************************************<br />Last month I had my therapy at a longer interval than previous.. that was not so great. So I am getting back to my regular 2 weeks. It really seems to help me. We also had our SHARE meeting, and that always helps. I think that it really helps D. He doesn't want/have time/ won't make time for regular therapy for himself, so as long as he want's to go to SHARE, we will. I don't think that I am strong enough to go by myself, but someday hope to be able to.<br />************************************************************<br />I think that I am about to hold my first infant since we lost Little Dale. Actually this little boy is one of my managers, who was born in March, and we were pregnant together. He would have been 3 months older than our son. I haven't put myself in this situation and am scared as hell. I am afraid that I will break down, and don't want to. To be honest, I was supposed to call her and let her know what time I was getting here... but was putting it off and she called......<br />************************************************************<br />I want to THANK EVERYONE that has commented to me. I really do appreciate your thoughts and words. I do try to comment back and on others blogs, but for some reason I can't. It seems like the ones that have the crooked words I can comment on easier, but the others I can't seem to. If anyone has an ideas on what I can change let me know. I do follow your blogs, and laugh with you , or cry with you, or feel what you are feeling. <br />*************************************************************<br /><br />Sarah~Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00124887883781922993noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7493033743865150587.post-58777698830531073602009-07-31T21:32:00.002-05:002009-07-31T21:54:06.188-05:00Friday July 31st...I think that I am depressed. And I am sinking more into it. I can't say that I have ever been depressed before. Of course, I thought that I was or had been at the time. Having a bad day. A break up in high school. A fight with a friend. I sure do not feel the same kind of depression that I thought that was.<br /><br />I can 't seem to be motivated, about anything. I was doing "OK" for a while, after being done with the anger stage of this grief process. Several weeks ago though, I just began thinking, of everything that happened when we lost our Little Dale. Everything keeps playing over and over in my mind. Don't get me wrong, I didn't forget, and will never forget. It seems like the first 1 to 2 months after loosing him, I was so numb, and maybe didn't feel. Definitely I was in denial and the start of the anger phase. Month 3, 4 & 5 was spent so angry. Month 6 I thought that I was beginning to "heal". I was ready to be positive, move on. Not in a bad way, just get better. It will be 7 months on the 9th of August. The past three weeks have been hell. I am so short with everyone. Everything is getting on my nerves and pissing me off. Even the little things. I feel as I am finding something to fight with D about, not that he doesn't give me enough ammo...<br /><br />I have only admitted this to 3 people, D, my therapist and another mom that recently lost her little angel girl at 34 weeks. In the beginning, several weeks or months, I really don't know, I prayed to GOD to let me not wake up the next morning. I wanted to see my angels, and be with them and hold them. I wanted everything to be right, and felt that is how it would be. I have been feeling that way here recently. Don't get me wrong, I would not do anything to harm myself. My personal belief is that if I did do something to end my life on purpose, I will not see my children. And that is really the only thing that is keeping me going right now. I also couldn't / wouldn't do anything because I could not put D through that or my family.<br /><br />I am going to see my priest tomorrow. He was transferred to another parish and we will be driving to see him. I need to see him. I have been thinking of him a lot these past couple weeks and wishing he was still here at our parish. He was such a big part of our son's short life. Blessing our pregnancy, coming to the hospital and blessing Little Dale, performing his funeral, helping counsel me after we lost him. He gives me a sense that everything will be alright just being at his mass.<br /><br />I guess and am hoping this is just part of the whole grieving process. I have an appointment with my therapist next week. We tried spacing it out to 1 time a month, and right now I don't think that is good. I think I need to go back to 2 times a month. We also have our SHARE meeting next week. We had to miss last month due to D being in the field, so we are looking forward to attending this months.<br /><br />I hope all is well as can be for everyone.<br /><br />~Sarah~Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00124887883781922993noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7493033743865150587.post-12648634771643629372009-07-25T21:44:00.002-05:002009-07-25T21:46:59.204-05:00Please Pray....If you have a chance, please say a prayer and visit Marie and her husband @ http://myexpectedend.blogspot.com/. They are going through a rough time as they just lost their second angel.<br /><br />~Sarah~Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00124887883781922993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7493033743865150587.post-332328995424832482009-07-21T09:11:00.006-05:002009-07-21T09:46:18.109-05:00Choices we make...Everyone makes choices. Good and bad. Easy or hard. Right or wrong. I have really been thinking about the choices in my life. Did I choose this path per say? I read the book The Secret a couple years back and have frequently referred back to it. To be honest, I actually believed it. I believed that we, by our actions, physical and mental, created our destiny our future. And to some extent, I still do, but are they the choices we make?<br /><br />I stop and think back to when I was pregnant. Did I really want to loose my son? Did I really want to go through the grieving that took place? Did I really want to let down all the people that were let down, devastated by loosing Baby Dale? Disappoint my husband? Go through (and could still be there) very ugly depression? Did I want to ditch all my friends, draw away from that ones that I love very much, and who love us very much and hurt them? (Depression hurts everyone)Did I really want to go through turning my back on GOD, the whole cemetery problem? <br /><br />The answer to this is very obvious. Of course I did not! I wanted Baby Dale so much! But it tears me up inside to think I made bad choices while I was pregnant, both physical and mental. Now don't get me wrong, I DID NOTHING while I was pregnant. NOTHING. I was determined to have a happy, healthy, beautiful little baby. I had already lost one, so this was going to be different. I didn't lift anything heavy. No laundry baskets, no grocery bags, nothing heavy at work. I came home, went straight to the couch, laid around most of the time. I did not color my hair, paint my nails or toes. Anything that <em>might</em> or could have harmed my little baby, I simply didn't do. So by being precocious did I bring that into my Ora, my zone, my thoughts, and that is why we lost Baby Dale? Did my physical health (being diabetic), while very much controlled and closely monitored by myself and Dr's/dietitian, hurt? I very rarely ate any processed sweets.(Thanksgiving, a few peanut m.M;s, sugar free gum) But are those something that hurt our son? It was my choice after all to eat them. Am I going to struggle with wondering for the rest of my life if it was a wrong choice I made that made my little son die? I still think after 13 years of what could have happened with our first Angel. Will I be here 13 years from now, wondering about both of our little babies, and what happened, was it a choice I made that cost them their life? <br /><br />Or was it my mental actions that brought this all on? In the beginning, yes I worried. We had lost one little Angel already, we were told we were not going to be getting pregnant by 4 Dr's and here we were pregnant. Extremely happy, but scared. Blood test every other day. Sono. Week 13, things are great. The worry faded. The holidays came and went. Then, the the year rolled over to 2009, and life was completely turned upside down. So, by the first couple months of worrying, did I somehow change the deck of cards in the universe? Flip over the card of death? I thought and still do think that it is pretty normal to worry about your pregnancy, especially after loosing a previous pregnancy. Did I just let my guard down, thinking everything is ok and will be ok? After hearing his heart beat at 9 weeks, I think is when I really let my guard down. Then we heard it again at 14 weeks. We thougth it was smooth sailing from here. Boy were we wrong. If I had chosen to stay worried, concerned about every little things, would he still be here? I still struggle, most every day about the reason we lost him. Or lack of reason, as there was nothing wrong with him. <em>Nothing.</em> He looked so perfect. And his test were all good. A perfect little baby boy. The Dr's said, "it is just one of those things that happen for no reason".<br /><br />So I guess I need to leave the reason up to GOD. I am going to choose to leave it all up to GOD. I am still grieving, very heavily, but am at the point that I do realize that ultimately it is GOD who has the plan, as he is the master. I will never fully understand or get over loosing Baby Dale, or our first Angel. But I have to choose to be ok with that, or not. Right now, I choose to be ok with it. Our son is in heaven with his sibling, waiting for us to come and hold them. And someday, we will. That is what I choose.<br /><br />~Sarah~<em></em>Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00124887883781922993noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7493033743865150587.post-55342535640864185462009-07-21T09:05:00.002-05:002009-07-21T09:11:43.807-05:00Why can't I keep my mouth shut????I did it again. I went out on a limb and just had to ask. One of the girls from work, who happens to be pregnant, called me to ask me a question and I didn't leave it at that. I thought I would be ok asking, how she was doing, did she know what she was having. Of course she did. It's a boy. **big sigh**<br />~Sarah~Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00124887883781922993noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7493033743865150587.post-52819418326562341992009-07-20T20:38:00.004-05:002009-07-20T20:57:09.853-05:00Monday 7/20It is hard to believe that it has been 6 months and 11 days since our beautiful son was born, still. We miss him so much. So many things remind me of him, and that he should be here, in our arms, keeping us up at night, crying, eating, laughing, cooing... but he is not. It has been a hard couple days. I have been reliving everything that happened when we lost him. Remembering every little detail. The sonogram showing that he no longer was alive, being up all night, just thinking of him, wondering what happened, and why it happened. Next month is the due date of our first little Angel, so that is on my mind also. Hard to believe that we would have had a 13 year old. <br />My cousin's wedding is this Saturday. My other cousin will be there and she was due on our first due date of 6/14. I have not heard if she has had her baby, i'm wondering if no one told me yet because of loosing Little Dale. I do not want to go and see her, with her perfect family, her perfect newborn, that should be our son's age. Don't get me wrong, I hope that everything is fine and good for all of them, but I know that it is going to hurt to see them. I am trying to get out of going to the wedding, but right now I am the one that is taking my Mom.<br />I was at work this week and one of my manager's 10 month old granddaughter came in to the shop. I am close with this manager, and she knows about us loosing Little Dale. I wanted to see the baby but it is so much harder than I anticipated. So I stayed in the office. I also spoke to one of the many pregnant employees that we have working for us right now, and she is exactly at the point that we lost Little Dale. That hurt. And I was worried for her. I wanted to tell her to cherish every moment with that little baby, because it can be gone in a second. She is so young, and I didn't want to scare her, so I kept my mouth shut. On top of that, she just found out she is having a little boy. That hurt too. Am I just jealous? Why does it hurt so much? A couple others that are pregnant have found out that they are having girls, and the "pang in the stomach" didn't appear when I heard that news... I don't know...<br />Why does it seem that EVERYWHERE I turn there is someone pregnant? Seriously... was I that oblivious before? Even when we lost our first one, 13 years ago, it did not seem that way.<br /><br /><br /><br />~Sarah~Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00124887883781922993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7493033743865150587.post-44117244960683798862009-07-18T07:22:00.002-05:002009-07-18T07:36:23.088-05:00July 18thI have recently read a book that I thought that I would pass on. I feel as though it has helped me with my grief tremendously. (It is not a grief book however) The book is called "The Shack", written by William Paul Young. It is a religious book, however, it does not reflect on one certain religion, just the "basics" of a Christian person. I would love to discuss it with anyone who has read or reads it. My sister and I have been discussing it for a week now and keep discussing. If anyone would like to borrow my copy, I can mail it to you. <br /><br />I read a really good post on http://nationalshare.blogspot.com/ about grief (7/17). Rose wrote this post about a newsletters article she had read and I like the way that she explains it. There are also some other good post on there also.<br /><br />This week has been pretty rough for me. I am missing both of my little Angels. But I know that someday, we will get to meet and hold them in our arms. <br /><br />I hope everyone is doing as well as can be. <br /><br />~Sarah~Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00124887883781922993noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7493033743865150587.post-6987620802834678422009-07-10T15:29:00.004-05:002009-07-10T16:01:48.839-05:00It's been a while....Yesterday was the 6 month Angelversary of our little son being born, still, into this world. It is hard to believe that it has been that long, yet is still seems like only yesterday that we lost him. We still think of what should have been. The memories that we were anxious to create with him. Spoiling him. Loving him. He is so loved in this world.<br /><br />I had thought that I was ready to be done blogging. I checked in a few times to try and keep up with all my fellow bloggers that I follow. Hoping to hear all good news from everyone, and it looks like it has been. But the truth is, I missed you guys. There is a real sense of friendship here in blog land. We have all said it or thought it at some point, everyone has been through the same thing, we know how each other feel, and we feel for each other. Wishing and hoping the best.<br /><br />So much has happened the past couple weeks. I feel as though I am getting better, then something triggers a breakdown.<br /><br />I think that we are finally done with the cemetery situation. Short version of the story, the head stone is moved, the cemetery guy is an A**, (he literally stood 2 rows from where our son is buried,as his little headstone is being placed and screamed and yelled at us, yes, screamed and yelled,) that we are lye rs, (so is the other couple, the secretary and told us that our priest said something that he did not), and how we needed to grow up, he never sold us 4 plots,(we have the receipt that shows 4) we were supposed to be where we were, just a whole bunch of sh***. We are completely done. In our hearts and minds, it is over. We are however waiting to see what will happen, because there is another family that says theirs is wrong, and the original headstone in question was put in the wrong place, AGAIN!<br /><br />We are at the point of "are we going to try again", and both scared as hell.That actually seems to be the question of the day/week/month/year from many. Which quite honestly is a bold question to ask of someone, let alone someone who has lost a chile/ren. We tried so long to get pregnant, it feels so contradictory to try and prevent it, because that is what we want so bad. But loosing two babies you don't exactly have positive thoughts coming to mind. I know that everyone feels so different about it. My bf irl tried and got pregnant as soon as she could after loosing her twins. I just don't know if I am that strong. Or if we are that strong. I couldn't imagine being pregnant again, and being calm and not worrying about loosing another one. It breaks my heart for my husband who wants another child. I would do anything to give him that, and its the one thing that I can't.<br /><br />I am feeling better about my faith. I still have my days, but I am not as angry with GOD. I know that he is good, and he should be the center of my life, and I do thank him for everything. He does not punish us. I am still having a hard time seeing the reason for this happening, but am trying to have faith in knowing that HE does know what he is doing, and He does have a plan. Whether I like it or not, I am ultimately his follower.<br /><br />I hope you all are doing well.<br /><br />~Sarah~Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00124887883781922993noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7493033743865150587.post-67556040562767899252009-06-16T14:38:00.007-05:002009-06-16T15:04:10.637-05:00Peace, My FriendDear Blogger Friends,<br /><br />I heard this song, and fell in love with it. For many reason & I wanted to share it will all of you.<br /><br />You all have given me strength, support, courage, love and hope to heal in these past 5 months, all while knowing that it will take forever to completely heal. Although it has not been easy for any of us, you have made the pain bearable. You have been there for me when friends and family haven't / couldn't be. You understand and understood. I wish you all the best and hope and pray that your dreams will come true. I am happy for all of you that are expecting and will keep positive thoughts (for everyone).(Please know that I would comment more often on each blog, but for some reason I can not comment)<br /><br />I also think think of this song as a song for my son, Baby Dale. I want him to be at peace, and to be with God. I wish that I had this for his funeral, it seems so fitting when letting someone you love go.<br /><br /><p>If I did this correct, you should be able to click on the post title and it will take you to the song. All you will have to do is click on listen now. I could not find it to put it on my music player, so this is the only other way I know how to do it. I am including the words at the bottom. </p><p>With this I leave you</p><p>Peace, My Friend, </p><p>~Sarah~</p>*This song is by Jaime Rickert*<br /><br /><br />1.<br />We have come to know each other.<br />We have come to love each other.<br />We are more when we’re together than we are when we’re apart.<br />Though the years may fall between us,<br />we must never fear the distance.<br />We are one in God forever<br />in our minds and in our hearts.<br /><br />Refrain:<br /><br />Peace, my friend,<br />may the love of God go with you.<br />May the Father guide your footsteps.<br />May the sun shine ev’ry day.<br />Peace, my friend,<br />may the Spirit walk beside you.<br />May his grace be warm within you.<br />May you always find your way.<br />2.<br />When the time has come for leaving,<br />when the words have all been spoken,<br />when you know the door is open as it always will remain.<br />When the last goodbye has echoed,<br />when the last tear has been shed,<br />when we’ve said it all a hundred times,<br />we’ll say it once again.<br /><br />Refrain:Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00124887883781922993noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7493033743865150587.post-92122230464685098182009-06-09T20:21:00.002-05:002009-06-09T20:36:29.309-05:00Happy Birthday Baby Dale...B - <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">ABY</span><br />A - <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">NGEL</span><br />B - <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">ORN</span><br />Y - <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">OUNG</span><br /><br />D - <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">ARLING</span><br />A - <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">NGEL</span><br />L - <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">OVED</span><br />E - <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">VER</span> LASTING<br /><br />Missing you son on your birthday. We love you so much.<br /><br />~Sarah~Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00124887883781922993noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7493033743865150587.post-55918583850613316042009-06-08T13:37:00.002-05:002009-06-08T13:43:07.518-05:005 Months Ago today....In about an hour and a half, (3:05) I found out, with only the sonographer in the room, that my precious, so much loved and wanted, baby, was no longer alive, living peacfully inside of me. I will never forget that moment, the first moment that she put the wand on my belly, you could immediatley tell. There was no heartbeat. Only a perfect little baby. Just laying there, not moving. Oh how I wish things would have been different. We would be having him soon. We would be happy. We would not be living in the life we now know as hell. Our lives would not be consumed with "what if's" or "should have been's". <br /><br />Mommy and Daddy miss you Little Dale. And we love you more than anything.<br /><br />~Sarah~Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00124887883781922993noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7493033743865150587.post-39972182148850307672009-05-28T18:33:00.009-05:002009-05-28T20:51:34.073-05:00May 28th....There is so much that is going on, so much I want to say, but nothing really matters. My Son is not here with us. I am still pissed off at the world, hating everything. <br /><br />The cemetery situation is still not any better. We called the guy that sold us the wrong plots and buried our Son at the wrong end, and he was a dick. Sorry, but he was. He very rudely, bluntly, curtly said NO! they wouldn't pay for it. Needless to say that we ARE taking it to the church board meeting and seeing what can be done with it. I wrote a very "nice" letter letting them know what had happened (he has not told anyone that we know of that this has happened, not even the Priest). I think that he will be very surprised to see us there and get the letter. It's bad enough that we are going through it, trying to grieve, and on top of it we have to arrange and pay to correct his mistake.<br /><br />Our house is still in shambles... we are still waiting for the contractor to come and fix the drywall and floor and everything else. Our little baby's room, that should have a crib, changing table, baby clothes, toys, now sits torn a apart, no floor with a hole in the wall. We do think that we got the mold though. Not that it matters now. Of course, every time that I even step foot in that room, or make sure that it is gone in our room, I think, was this (mold) the reason that our baby died? (Deep down, probably not. In hindsight, there was not a lot, at all. The contractor said this was nothing compared to what some people live in..)Seriously, there was about a half inch wide and maybe 6-8 inches total long, not even consecutive.<br /><br />Dates are looming up on us.. Little Dale's due date is coming up on June 24th. I would like to take this whole month, and just run away, or stay in bed, or crawl in a hole, it really doesn't matter. At our SHARE meeting, one of the lady's there said she looked at her due date differently. And she has a point. I have been dwelling on "I should be this far along" etc... but she put it like this, after her due date came and went, she knew that she would have had her baby by then, so she shouldn't be pregnant. So I am thinking the same. June 25th, I would have been no longer pregnant. Plus Father's day is right around the corner. D is really dreading this one... His heart is so heavy right now also. I don't know how it will all work out. I just wish that we could go back to Jan., and everything would be fine. We would be 36 weeks pregnant, with a little baby. We would / should have everything ready for him / her. We were not going to find out, and we could not wait until the moment came that they told us what we had. Well, actually it did happen that way, only when our baby came, he was dead.<br /><br />I still have not been back to church. It is not bothering me as much. I just found out this Sunday from my sister that our Priest is leaving the first of July. I cried so much. Actually Sat and Sun I cried. Over everything. And nothing. Being Catholic, we have had several different priest. Being from a small community, all the religions around, priest, preachers, etc.. come and go every couple years. Our current Priest means so much to us. He performed our marriage ceremony in the Catholic Church (we were first married at D's church, Baptist, I then wanted to be married in the Catholic church and have it recognized.) We got to know him through this process. Then, when we found out that we were expecting, we asked him to bless our pregnancy, and our home. He did both. He always was smiling. I remember him just grinning after mass at how big I was getting. He is Haitian, and speaks proper English, but broken. One day after mass he was smiling and said, "oh I see baby is getting big"... he is so great. He really had meaning when he preached. And then the day we had Little Dale, he was out of town in St Louis on a re-treat, and he drove all the way up (approx 3 hrs) to be with us in the hospital, and bless our Son. He was there for us. He preformed our Son's funeral. He sent a "church" card,a and a personal card. I met with him in Feb.09 b/c I was having such a hard time. He was part of the reason D thought about becoming Catholic. He never judged. He tried to help. Now, he is leaving, and I haven't been back to church. He will always have a special place in our hearts, for the person that he his, and his connection he has with us, and our Son.<br /><br />I met with my therapist today. The next time we meet, all the above mentioned, should hopefully be done. Finished. Taken care of. Dealt with. And I am hoping that I can get out of this angry stage. I think that I will be able to move on with my grieving, maybe even grieve properly, if there is such a thing. I feel like the cemetery situation, our house being torn apart is really holding this off, as these are what help keeps me angry...<br /><br />~Sarah~Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00124887883781922993noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7493033743865150587.post-29578961015949055482009-05-22T23:08:00.002-05:002009-05-22T23:13:22.433-05:00LostI am lost. My heart is heavy, broken. My body is numb. My mind is confused, constantly racing, thinking. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am just going through the motions. And why I ask myself? I have so much to say, to feel, but does is really matter? In the end, nothing will bring back my son. That is all that matters. <br />With this weekend being Memorial Day, of course I think of Little Dale. He is on my mind all day long. Wishing he was here. We should be 36 weeks. Safe. But that is not the case. Life completely sucks. <br /><br /><br />~Sarah~Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00124887883781922993noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7493033743865150587.post-54480138796835677642009-05-16T21:10:00.002-05:002009-05-16T21:14:05.591-05:00May 16th, 2009Dear Little Angels,<br /><br />Your Mommy & Daddy are missing you so much. We wish that you were here with us. You are constantly on our minds and forever in our hearts. We love you and can't wait til we can hold you again!<br /><br />~Sarah~Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00124887883781922993noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7493033743865150587.post-63597954053766920262009-05-15T11:09:00.002-05:002009-05-15T11:14:42.799-05:00A Father's BlogI just thought I'd pass on to everyone a blog that I found. I started following it to see what the men are going through so I could help Dale more. (He is not into computers / blogging like I am.) Anyway, the blog is <a href="http://fathersgrievinginfantloss.blogspot.com/">http://fathersgrievinginfantloss.blogspot.com/</a>. (I do not know how to link to another blog, so I just copied / pasted it, I hope it works. ) I hope that there is some helpful info in here for anyone that could use it or pass on to our hubbies, or whoever.<br />~Sarah~Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00124887883781922993noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7493033743865150587.post-78787366824856330722009-05-13T20:43:00.004-05:002009-05-13T20:56:21.342-05:00A funny....This seems to be the theme of how my life is going right now. <em>If it can go wrong, it will. (even with O.R.eo's)......</em><br /><div></div><br /><div>I got home from work today, and had received the order for S.lim . n. 6. an exercise program I ordered in my early- morning - can't sleep -nothing - else -to- do- but- watch -infomercials -stage of weakness. I was siked! So siked the first thing that I thought was " I need to go eat the last row of O.Reo's w/ a glass of cold milk so I can start tomorrow!" LOL.</div><div>SO, I go in, grab my glass, fill it with milk, take the first O.R.eo, go in for the first dip, and this is what I got! </div><div></div><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5335491260436736706" border="0" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Zb2d1tnHmFc/Sgt5CGCIasI/AAAAAAAAACQ/XltgRMl16OM/s320/oreo.jpg" /> <div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div>The damn glass was to skinny to dip it in! GO FIGURE!<br /><br />* I hope someone can grab a smile from this* :-)</div><div><br />~Sarah~</div>Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00124887883781922993noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7493033743865150587.post-39685252110624116742009-05-13T17:44:00.009-05:002009-05-13T20:41:05.475-05:00May 13th, 2009As most of you know, I am having a very hard time with my faith. It has completely been shaken. I have not been back to Mass, I have not been praying, I have not been a christian person. I need help with this.<br /><br />It is hard to admit, especially out loud. I am so angry / mad / upset at GOD. I have never felt this way! I know that he does not punish us, I know that he only gives us what we can handle (?), I know that there is a reason that I do not know, but I can not accept this right now. I am so hurt and confused.<br /><br /><br />I was born and raised Catholic, both parents were born and raised Catholic, but my Dad did not attend, 5 siblings, church every Sunday, etc... my parents have been married for 41 years, but before they were married, my Dad was married and had 2 other kids. A son and daughter. I did not know this until I was in my teens. Well, the daughter died when she was 2 (I think). When my Dad first told me about this, and has referred to this several times in my life there after, he would always say, that "<em>if </em>there is a GOD, why would he allow this suffering" . I remember thinking, how harsh of a statement that is, questioning if GOD was real, etc.. and hoping that before my Dad passes, he would change his way of thinking. I hate to admit it, but I see where he is coming from, and find myself thinking the same.<br /><br />I have lost my faith, any hope that I had left, my strength to move on. At one time, I turned towards my religion. Now, with everything that we are going through, I am turning away from it. To be honest, I get my strength from you, my online friends, and see hope through you, and try to regain my faith, seeing that there can be a light at the end of the tunnel.<br /><br />I need to get my faith back. I need to start believing again, and being a christian. I need to believe that everything is going to be OK. That Dale and I are going to make it through this, and become happy again. I need to not question things that don't need to be questioned. If not, I am afraid that I will not see my babies when it is my turn to go.<br /><br />~Sarah~Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00124887883781922993noreply@blogger.com5