Monday, July 20, 2009

Monday 7/20

It is hard to believe that it has been 6 months and 11 days since our beautiful son was born, still. We miss him so much. So many things remind me of him, and that he should be here, in our arms, keeping us up at night, crying, eating, laughing, cooing... but he is not. It has been a hard couple days. I have been reliving everything that happened when we lost him. Remembering every little detail. The sonogram showing that he no longer was alive, being up all night, just thinking of him, wondering what happened, and why it happened. Next month is the due date of our first little Angel, so that is on my mind also. Hard to believe that we would have had a 13 year old.
My cousin's wedding is this Saturday. My other cousin will be there and she was due on our first due date of 6/14. I have not heard if she has had her baby, i'm wondering if no one told me yet because of loosing Little Dale. I do not want to go and see her, with her perfect family, her perfect newborn, that should be our son's age. Don't get me wrong, I hope that everything is fine and good for all of them, but I know that it is going to hurt to see them. I am trying to get out of going to the wedding, but right now I am the one that is taking my Mom.
I was at work this week and one of my manager's 10 month old granddaughter came in to the shop. I am close with this manager, and she knows about us loosing Little Dale. I wanted to see the baby but it is so much harder than I anticipated. So I stayed in the office. I also spoke to one of the many pregnant employees that we have working for us right now, and she is exactly at the point that we lost Little Dale. That hurt. And I was worried for her. I wanted to tell her to cherish every moment with that little baby, because it can be gone in a second. She is so young, and I didn't want to scare her, so I kept my mouth shut. On top of that, she just found out she is having a little boy. That hurt too. Am I just jealous? Why does it hurt so much? A couple others that are pregnant have found out that they are having girls, and the "pang in the stomach" didn't appear when I heard that news... I don't know...
Why does it seem that EVERYWHERE I turn there is someone pregnant? Seriously... was I that oblivious before? Even when we lost our first one, 13 years ago, it did not seem that way.


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