Yesterday was the 6 month Angelversary of our little son being born, still, into this world. It is hard to believe that it has been that long, yet is still seems like only yesterday that we lost him. We still think of what should have been. The memories that we were anxious to create with him. Spoiling him. Loving him. He is so loved in this world.
I had thought that I was ready to be done blogging. I checked in a few times to try and keep up with all my fellow bloggers that I follow. Hoping to hear all good news from everyone, and it looks like it has been. But the truth is, I missed you guys. There is a real sense of friendship here in blog land. We have all said it or thought it at some point, everyone has been through the same thing, we know how each other feel, and we feel for each other. Wishing and hoping the best.
So much has happened the past couple weeks. I feel as though I am getting better, then something triggers a breakdown.
I think that we are finally done with the cemetery situation. Short version of the story, the head stone is moved, the cemetery guy is an A**, (he literally stood 2 rows from where our son is buried,as his little headstone is being placed and screamed and yelled at us, yes, screamed and yelled,) that we are lye rs, (so is the other couple, the secretary and told us that our priest said something that he did not), and how we needed to grow up, he never sold us 4 plots,(we have the receipt that shows 4) we were supposed to be where we were, just a whole bunch of sh***. We are completely done. In our hearts and minds, it is over. We are however waiting to see what will happen, because there is another family that says theirs is wrong, and the original headstone in question was put in the wrong place, AGAIN!
We are at the point of "are we going to try again", and both scared as hell.That actually seems to be the question of the day/week/month/year from many. Which quite honestly is a bold question to ask of someone, let alone someone who has lost a chile/ren. We tried so long to get pregnant, it feels so contradictory to try and prevent it, because that is what we want so bad. But loosing two babies you don't exactly have positive thoughts coming to mind. I know that everyone feels so different about it. My bf irl tried and got pregnant as soon as she could after loosing her twins. I just don't know if I am that strong. Or if we are that strong. I couldn't imagine being pregnant again, and being calm and not worrying about loosing another one. It breaks my heart for my husband who wants another child. I would do anything to give him that, and its the one thing that I can't.
I am feeling better about my faith. I still have my days, but I am not as angry with GOD. I know that he is good, and he should be the center of my life, and I do thank him for everything. He does not punish us. I am still having a hard time seeing the reason for this happening, but am trying to have faith in knowing that HE does know what he is doing, and He does have a plan. Whether I like it or not, I am ultimately his follower.
I hope you all are doing well.