I think that I am depressed. And I am sinking more into it. I can't say that I have ever been depressed before. Of course, I thought that I was or had been at the time. Having a bad day. A break up in high school. A fight with a friend. I sure do not feel the same kind of depression that I thought that was.
I can 't seem to be motivated, about anything. I was doing "OK" for a while, after being done with the anger stage of this grief process. Several weeks ago though, I just began thinking, of everything that happened when we lost our Little Dale. Everything keeps playing over and over in my mind. Don't get me wrong, I didn't forget, and will never forget. It seems like the first 1 to 2 months after loosing him, I was so numb, and maybe didn't feel. Definitely I was in denial and the start of the anger phase. Month 3, 4 & 5 was spent so angry. Month 6 I thought that I was beginning to "heal". I was ready to be positive, move on. Not in a bad way, just get better. It will be 7 months on the 9th of August. The past three weeks have been hell. I am so short with everyone. Everything is getting on my nerves and pissing me off. Even the little things. I feel as I am finding something to fight with D about, not that he doesn't give me enough ammo...
I have only admitted this to 3 people, D, my therapist and another mom that recently lost her little angel girl at 34 weeks. In the beginning, several weeks or months, I really don't know, I prayed to GOD to let me not wake up the next morning. I wanted to see my angels, and be with them and hold them. I wanted everything to be right, and felt that is how it would be. I have been feeling that way here recently. Don't get me wrong, I would not do anything to harm myself. My personal belief is that if I did do something to end my life on purpose, I will not see my children. And that is really the only thing that is keeping me going right now. I also couldn't / wouldn't do anything because I could not put D through that or my family.
I am going to see my priest tomorrow. He was transferred to another parish and we will be driving to see him. I need to see him. I have been thinking of him a lot these past couple weeks and wishing he was still here at our parish. He was such a big part of our son's short life. Blessing our pregnancy, coming to the hospital and blessing Little Dale, performing his funeral, helping counsel me after we lost him. He gives me a sense that everything will be alright just being at his mass.
I guess and am hoping this is just part of the whole grieving process. I have an appointment with my therapist next week. We tried spacing it out to 1 time a month, and right now I don't think that is good. I think I need to go back to 2 times a month. We also have our SHARE meeting next week. We had to miss last month due to D being in the field, so we are looking forward to attending this months.
I hope all is well as can be for everyone.