Friday, July 31, 2009

Friday July 31st...

I think that I am depressed. And I am sinking more into it. I can't say that I have ever been depressed before. Of course, I thought that I was or had been at the time. Having a bad day. A break up in high school. A fight with a friend. I sure do not feel the same kind of depression that I thought that was.

I can 't seem to be motivated, about anything. I was doing "OK" for a while, after being done with the anger stage of this grief process. Several weeks ago though, I just began thinking, of everything that happened when we lost our Little Dale. Everything keeps playing over and over in my mind. Don't get me wrong, I didn't forget, and will never forget. It seems like the first 1 to 2 months after loosing him, I was so numb, and maybe didn't feel. Definitely I was in denial and the start of the anger phase. Month 3, 4 & 5 was spent so angry. Month 6 I thought that I was beginning to "heal". I was ready to be positive, move on. Not in a bad way, just get better. It will be 7 months on the 9th of August. The past three weeks have been hell. I am so short with everyone. Everything is getting on my nerves and pissing me off. Even the little things. I feel as I am finding something to fight with D about, not that he doesn't give me enough ammo...

I have only admitted this to 3 people, D, my therapist and another mom that recently lost her little angel girl at 34 weeks. In the beginning, several weeks or months, I really don't know, I prayed to GOD to let me not wake up the next morning. I wanted to see my angels, and be with them and hold them. I wanted everything to be right, and felt that is how it would be. I have been feeling that way here recently. Don't get me wrong, I would not do anything to harm myself. My personal belief is that if I did do something to end my life on purpose, I will not see my children. And that is really the only thing that is keeping me going right now. I also couldn't / wouldn't do anything because I could not put D through that or my family.

I am going to see my priest tomorrow. He was transferred to another parish and we will be driving to see him. I need to see him. I have been thinking of him a lot these past couple weeks and wishing he was still here at our parish. He was such a big part of our son's short life. Blessing our pregnancy, coming to the hospital and blessing Little Dale, performing his funeral, helping counsel me after we lost him. He gives me a sense that everything will be alright just being at his mass.

I guess and am hoping this is just part of the whole grieving process. I have an appointment with my therapist next week. We tried spacing it out to 1 time a month, and right now I don't think that is good. I think I need to go back to 2 times a month. We also have our SHARE meeting next week. We had to miss last month due to D being in the field, so we are looking forward to attending this months.

I hope all is well as can be for everyone.



Mirne said...

It was part of my grieving process. For both my children. Exactly as you described. And I know that it's been like that for others too.

Its my experience that although the passing of time doesn't make it any better, it does get easier.


Heather said...

6m 1w here. And, I think I'm in your boat too. I thought in month 5 that things were getting better, but now, it takes all of my effort just to get out of bed, and only because my 18 month old is crying to get up. My DH and I are starting to argue a lot more, and I find myself cussing the world out. Drivers, my dog, the name it. I'm thinking of a shrink. I just want it to all go away. I have to think though, it's all part of grief. Just know, you're not weird or anything. Either that, or I'm weird too.

Sarah Suhail said...

Hey Sarah

A bit further ahead than you, and no children to keep me grounded.

I remember being where you are and it only got worse for me as the one year mark came along. But someone gave me really good advice. 'Enjoy' (incorrect word i know) the feeling of having your little angel so close to your thoughts. after one year, the loss becomes such an integral part of you, you no longer feel it as intensly as before.

The depression for me was intense at his would be first birthdya. One thing that kept me going was someone else who had told me that she used anti-depressents for a long while. And that it was ok too because your heart has been so completely shattered. I didn't, but I knew i wasn't 'crazy' if I did.

Hang on to things that give you happiness - Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.


Michelle said...

I think this is totally normal and unfortunately just part of the process. I have days that are really bad and days that are fine. It has something that I can never predict. Be patient and good to yourself! ((HUGS))

Michelle said...

PS when you are up to it...I nominated you for an award!

Fireflyforever said...

I understand. It's 10 months for me very soon and I remember feeling very much as you describe around the 6 month mark. For what it's worth, you seem to be doing everything you can to find a path through it - that's courageous of you. I hope some of it helps to lift the veil a little.


Mary said...

Sarah I fear that I am going to hit that part of the grief process. I pray that you find some peace. I know it is hard to get through a day without thinking of our little boys.