Wednesday, May 13, 2009

May 13th, 2009

As most of you know, I am having a very hard time with my faith. It has completely been shaken. I have not been back to Mass, I have not been praying, I have not been a christian person. I need help with this.

It is hard to admit, especially out loud. I am so angry / mad / upset at GOD. I have never felt this way! I know that he does not punish us, I know that he only gives us what we can handle (?), I know that there is a reason that I do not know, but I can not accept this right now. I am so hurt and confused.

I was born and raised Catholic, both parents were born and raised Catholic, but my Dad did not attend, 5 siblings, church every Sunday, etc... my parents have been married for 41 years, but before they were married, my Dad was married and had 2 other kids. A son and daughter. I did not know this until I was in my teens. Well, the daughter died when she was 2 (I think). When my Dad first told me about this, and has referred to this several times in my life there after, he would always say, that "if there is a GOD, why would he allow this suffering" . I remember thinking, how harsh of a statement that is, questioning if GOD was real, etc.. and hoping that before my Dad passes, he would change his way of thinking. I hate to admit it, but I see where he is coming from, and find myself thinking the same.

I have lost my faith, any hope that I had left, my strength to move on. At one time, I turned towards my religion. Now, with everything that we are going through, I am turning away from it. To be honest, I get my strength from you, my online friends, and see hope through you, and try to regain my faith, seeing that there can be a light at the end of the tunnel.

I need to get my faith back. I need to start believing again, and being a christian. I need to believe that everything is going to be OK. That Dale and I are going to make it through this, and become happy again. I need to not question things that don't need to be questioned. If not, I am afraid that I will not see my babies when it is my turn to go.



Bluebird said...

I understand. I understand your struggle and I understand your fear. The only thing I can say is one step at a time. I too haven't prayed. I hadn't gone to church. Etc. So, one Sunday we went to church. I didn't sing during the songs and I didn't close my eyes when they prayed. Slowly, each week, that has changed little by little . . . I don't know how much it will change; if I'll ever get back to where I was, but . . .

Hope you don't mind that little bit of assvice :) The real thing I meant to say was - I understand

Natalie said...

I spent more than a few years angry with God. This is such a deeply personal aspect of the whole process. It's difficult if you were very religious before a loss, and then you find yourself shaken to the core. I remember questioning every scripture I'd ever read on God working things out for our good, and Him protecting us, etc. After a lot of heartfelt pondering, I came to conclusions for myself.

This is just my personal belief, I know others might not agree. But, I believe God is always there. I don't understand the hows and/or whys of our pain and sufferings on this earth. But, I'm finally ok with not knowing all the answers. To me, that's having faith. But, I know people who think that makes me ignorant.

I have no doubt that we can turn from God over and over again, but He never turns from us. He's always there waiting for us to come back. I didn't always believe any of that. It took me a lot of tears, screams, (and ok, I threw lots of stuff too) before I worked it all out in my mind.

Sorry for rambling on. I really should have just said, I understand where you are coming from! I'm thinking of you with love. (((hugs)))

Julie said...

I like it when people say interesting stuff in the comments. I wonder if it is against Blog etiquite to leave related thoughts or stories. I hope not.

I think that it is totally OK to be angry at God. We are made in His image and He understands us, He knows that we live under the sun and our lives are ruled by our souls, He knows that we have to be constantly on guard, in training if you like, to be spiritual beings.

He doesn't say "don't get angry", He says "in your anger do not sin". By the way, He is pretty good at getting angry too. Anger is a big part of grieving. So is denial, bargaining, depresssion and acceptance and all the ones in between.

You still believe, you know where your babies are and you have hope of seeing them again. Be easy on yourself, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Sarah said...

Thank you all for your kind words and advice!

Amy said...

Faith and beliefs are so complicated after a loss. I have always been very interested in religion and spirituality - reading books and taking courses in college. I never have committed to just one school of belief though - I tend to gather the bits from many different religions to make my own that fits for me. I can not give a point of view as a fellow Christian, as I have never considered myself Christian, but I can offer a perspective as a mix and match spiritual person.

After Liam died I was angry at the higher power, great spirit, angels that I had always trusted. I shut off my heart to the love that my idea of God is. I wanted none of it.

After some time, my beliefs shifted and I found my heart opening again. Some of my beliefs from before fit back into place, some did not. But my heart did open back up to the love that I see as God/Great Spirit. Nature spoke to my heart once again, giving me a feeling of the sacred on those days I could open my heart and eyes to the beauty around me.

I guess what I am saying is, if you want to believe again, to find your faith, it may look different than before, but may be faith all the same. Listen to your heart and try not to force yourself into the same beliefs as before if it feels wrong. As I said before, I have never held to one belief system, so I can not relate to the struggle of lost faith and the attempt to return to the same one. But I do know what it feels like to be empty inside without some kind of belief system. Let your your heart guide you.

I hope you find the path that is right for you and offers some peace. Good luck.