As most of you know, I am having a very hard time with my faith. It has completely been shaken. I have not been back to Mass, I have not been praying, I have not been a christian person. I need help with this.
It is hard to admit, especially out loud. I am so angry / mad / upset at GOD. I have never felt this way! I know that he does not punish us, I know that he only gives us what we can handle (?), I know that there is a reason that I do not know, but I can not accept this right now. I am so hurt and confused.
I was born and raised Catholic, both parents were born and raised Catholic, but my Dad did not attend, 5 siblings, church every Sunday, etc... my parents have been married for 41 years, but before they were married, my Dad was married and had 2 other kids. A son and daughter. I did not know this until I was in my teens. Well, the daughter died when she was 2 (I think). When my Dad first told me about this, and has referred to this several times in my life there after, he would always say, that "if there is a GOD, why would he allow this suffering" . I remember thinking, how harsh of a statement that is, questioning if GOD was real, etc.. and hoping that before my Dad passes, he would change his way of thinking. I hate to admit it, but I see where he is coming from, and find myself thinking the same.
I have lost my faith, any hope that I had left, my strength to move on. At one time, I turned towards my religion. Now, with everything that we are going through, I am turning away from it. To be honest, I get my strength from you, my online friends, and see hope through you, and try to regain my faith, seeing that there can be a light at the end of the tunnel.
I need to get my faith back. I need to start believing again, and being a christian. I need to believe that everything is going to be OK. That Dale and I are going to make it through this, and become happy again. I need to not question things that don't need to be questioned. If not, I am afraid that I will not see my babies when it is my turn to go.