Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Choices we make...

Everyone makes choices. Good and bad. Easy or hard. Right or wrong. I have really been thinking about the choices in my life. Did I choose this path per say? I read the book The Secret a couple years back and have frequently referred back to it. To be honest, I actually believed it. I believed that we, by our actions, physical and mental, created our destiny our future. And to some extent, I still do, but are they the choices we make?

I stop and think back to when I was pregnant. Did I really want to loose my son? Did I really want to go through the grieving that took place? Did I really want to let down all the people that were let down, devastated by loosing Baby Dale? Disappoint my husband? Go through (and could still be there) very ugly depression? Did I want to ditch all my friends, draw away from that ones that I love very much, and who love us very much and hurt them? (Depression hurts everyone)Did I really want to go through turning my back on GOD, the whole cemetery problem?

The answer to this is very obvious. Of course I did not! I wanted Baby Dale so much! But it tears me up inside to think I made bad choices while I was pregnant, both physical and mental. Now don't get me wrong, I DID NOTHING while I was pregnant. NOTHING. I was determined to have a happy, healthy, beautiful little baby. I had already lost one, so this was going to be different. I didn't lift anything heavy. No laundry baskets, no grocery bags, nothing heavy at work. I came home, went straight to the couch, laid around most of the time. I did not color my hair, paint my nails or toes. Anything that might or could have harmed my little baby, I simply didn't do. So by being precocious did I bring that into my Ora, my zone, my thoughts, and that is why we lost Baby Dale? Did my physical health (being diabetic), while very much controlled and closely monitored by myself and Dr's/dietitian, hurt? I very rarely ate any processed sweets.(Thanksgiving, a few peanut m.M;s, sugar free gum) But are those something that hurt our son? It was my choice after all to eat them. Am I going to struggle with wondering for the rest of my life if it was a wrong choice I made that made my little son die? I still think after 13 years of what could have happened with our first Angel. Will I be here 13 years from now, wondering about both of our little babies, and what happened, was it a choice I made that cost them their life?

Or was it my mental actions that brought this all on? In the beginning, yes I worried. We had lost one little Angel already, we were told we were not going to be getting pregnant by 4 Dr's and here we were pregnant. Extremely happy, but scared. Blood test every other day. Sono. Week 13, things are great. The worry faded. The holidays came and went. Then, the the year rolled over to 2009, and life was completely turned upside down. So, by the first couple months of worrying, did I somehow change the deck of cards in the universe? Flip over the card of death? I thought and still do think that it is pretty normal to worry about your pregnancy, especially after loosing a previous pregnancy. Did I just let my guard down, thinking everything is ok and will be ok? After hearing his heart beat at 9 weeks, I think is when I really let my guard down. Then we heard it again at 14 weeks. We thougth it was smooth sailing from here. Boy were we wrong. If I had chosen to stay worried, concerned about every little things, would he still be here? I still struggle, most every day about the reason we lost him. Or lack of reason, as there was nothing wrong with him. Nothing. He looked so perfect. And his test were all good. A perfect little baby boy. The Dr's said, "it is just one of those things that happen for no reason".

So I guess I need to leave the reason up to GOD. I am going to choose to leave it all up to GOD. I am still grieving, very heavily, but am at the point that I do realize that ultimately it is GOD who has the plan, as he is the master. I will never fully understand or get over loosing Baby Dale, or our first Angel. But I have to choose to be ok with that, or not. Right now, I choose to be ok with it. Our son is in heaven with his sibling, waiting for us to come and hold them. And someday, we will. That is what I choose.



Julie said...

You are making a good and brave choice Sarah. I know its not easy to choose to be OK, and that is OK too.

Heather said...

I could say that you MUST know it wasn't anything you said, felt or did. But I had a baby with Down Syndrome, and they all told me the same thing...and I still question it. I still wonder. I hate that too! But I think it's great that you can decide to give it to God...I'm not there yet. We're still not speaking. Good thing he knows my heart I guess. (((hugs)))