Wednesday, March 25, 2009

This and That...

People just don't understand. I seriously think that people believe we should be done grieving and mourning. Now, I don't plan on living in this state of mind that I have been in forever. And if I do, people need to get over it! Both of my children have not made it to this world living. I will never stop grieving their loss! My heart will completely be shattered for the rest of my life. It is almost 3 months, on 4/9 that Little Dale came into our lives, and it has been 13 years we lost our first child. In between that time, we struggled with infertility, not even thinking we were ever going to have any children. People just do not understand! I have not spoken to several of my "friends". Not that they did anything wrong. I just don't care about the things that I used to. I actually had a friend who in the midst of loosing Little Dale, email me and told me to call her so we can "catch up". Really. "catch up". Now, to be fair, I know that she was meaning well, and told me I could talk to her about anything, but the last freaking thing I wanted to do was "catch up"! I don't care who is doing what, how work is going, how her life or anyone elses' is going! I JUST WANT TO GRIEVE LOOSING MY SON! I want to wonder what happened, I want to know why it happened, I want to know why us, I want to cry, or sit on my couch or stay in bed and not move except to go and visit Little Dale's grave site. I WANT TO GRIEVE! And that is what I am going to continue to do, until I am ready not to grieve. I know that I WILL NEVER, NEVER, NEVER be the same fun, crazy, spontaneous, care-free person I have been, and I AM OK WITH THAT. I have my wonderful husband, and my sisters / family. Really, that is all I need or want.
I am going to try a grief counselor out tomorrow. I have had the appointment for a couple weeks, and it is here now. I have been nervous / anxious / worried, about it. I am not sure why. It is just that I can not stop thinking about Little Dale, not that I don't want to think of him, I wish he was here. I just think of everything that has happened, and what we will never have with him. And of course our first child. I think that is one of the biggest things that people don't understand that have not been through this. Not only have we physically, mentally and emotionally lost our children, but we also lost the future with them. All the first, the birthdays, the holidays, everything we had planned! We were so excited and had it all planned out that Little Dale (whom I SWORE was a little girl we were naming Willow) was going with us on vacation in Oct to a BBQ Competition that we like to go to. He would have been 5 months, we were so excited to take him. Then there is the annual Halloween party that our family has. My niece was wanting "her" to dress up the same as her(my niece), and my nephew wanted "him" to dress up has him (my nephew). And I had already planned for Christmas, we were doing the picture cards! And of course, we wanted to show him off to everyone! So many people take all of this for granted.
I am trying to put one foot in front of the other, but I have to admit, I am on auto pilot. I make myself get out of bed, most days. I am fortunate enough to work from home as need be. I make myself go on, and at times, I just don't want to! When I have idle time, I think of him, when I drive (alot for work), when I try and sleep (hardley ever), when my mind is not occupied, everything (bad) just keeps replaying in my mind! And trust me, it is not something that a mother who so desperately wanted a child, wants to replay, over and over again.


Lea said...


I hear and feel your pain. Nope, nobody gets this soul searing pain unless they have experienced it. I have lost many friends throughout my journey (and others have really stepped up). Do what you need to do to manage your grief.

Strength to you,
Lea xo

Sarah said...

Thank you Lea.