Little Dale III

All over the place....

2010-02-08T16:45:00.002-06:00

That is where I am. Tomorrow will be one year and one month since we held our little angel. 13 months. It is hard to believe that is has been that long. It seems like only yesterday.
So much has been going on, but yet nothing has changed. Life obviously has gone on, and let me tell ya, I did not think that my life would go on a year ago.

I have still been seeing my therapist. She is a great person and so very helpful. Just when I think that I am getting better, something seems to change my mind. My last appointment with her, I was thinking that would be it for a while. Now, another bump in this road. My grief has taken a turn. Not for the best either. Nothing is there to "trigger" it. "It" just seems to float on into my life. I don't know what "it" is either. My mood, my broken heart, my thoughts that just won't end, my feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. I just don't know.

I had to make my yearly appointment last week. That in itself gave me great anxiety. I actually was trying to get into a new Dr. The Dr. that I Dr'd with when we lost Little Dale was great through my whole pregnancy. However, there were a few things that happened at the end that I was not, and still not happy with. The last thing was when we came back for the 6 week follow up appointment after loosing him, one of the last things the Dr said to us was, it was ok with him if we wanted to find a new dr. I have several great friends that I have met since loosing Little Dale, who rave about how caring, concerned, nice their dr's were when they lost their little angels. I just found his statement at that time to be odd, to say the least. I couldn't understand why he would say that to me, to us. We were in his office, I was obviously bawling my eyes out asking questions and this is what he chooses to say. Now, in his defense (b/c that is how I am) he did say that he has "heard" others say it was hard to come back to the same place that they were pregnant, etc... Mind you, we did NOT have Little Dale here, b/c the Dr. transferred us to a different hospital. (haven't posted that story yet) SO ANYWAY, I couldn't get an appointment with who I thought that I wanted, and made an appointment with the old Dr. I didn't think that I could get in as soon as she got me in, I was thinking a couple months as he books that far out, they got me in the next week! The closer the day got, the more anxiety I was having, and low and behold, the other dr office called me to get me in too. So I canceled my original. whew... didn't know getting a new dr was so difficult, they have to "approve" the patients before they will take them..???

Another Dr. situation happened this past Friday. My reg GP transferred to urgent care, in another town back in December. I have been putting off and was going to keep putting off getting a new GP, until I noticed my Met.fo.rmin needed Dr. Approval. Long story short, I went to the same Dr Office as my last dr to another lady there, just for my diabetic med. WELL, she "lectured" me for about 10 minutes on trying again. Seriously. I sat there and gave her this look and said a few things that probally shouldn't have been said. BUT only after she had the balls to say to me "IF YOU REALLY WANT TO HAVE A FAMILY, YOU NEED TO KEEP TRYING" . Are you serious. I tried to explain to her, rather nicely, that yes, that is ALL we want, but for us, we are on the WRONG END of the statistics. WE ARE 0 for 2. We don't produce live babies. IF I REALLY WANT TO HAVE A FAMILY?!?!?!?! We have tried for YEARS, YEARS of heartache, tears, ups and downs, medicine, dr's,... what the hell does she want from me. It should be OUR decision on what we are doing. HELL, I WASN'T EVEN THERE FOR HER TO TALK TO ME ABOUT THAT!!!! She even said to me that she was sorry if this was an inappropriate conversation for her to have we me, and I said, I appreciate that. MAYBE she was trying to help, MAYBE I was meant to see her, MAYBE this was supposed to be a good thing, but let me tell ya, it completely tore me back down. YES I want a family more than anything in the world. I would give up everything and live in a box to have a family. I struggle enough with the fact that I can't give my husband any children. That my parents or in-laws won't have a living grandchild from us, or that our brothers and sisters won't have a living niece or nephew from us, or their kids' won't have a living cousin from us. I STRUGGLE WITH THAT! It hurts knowing / thinking that I, ME, have let EVERYONE CLOSE TO ME DOWN! And she expects me to "keep trying"? WE have to heal. WE have to finish grieving. We have to make sure that WE are ok. And trying right now is not the answer. But at least I got my meds refilled, right?

WOW, I think that helped. I hope this finds every as well as can be expected.

~Sarah~

Happy Birthday Baby Dale!

2010-01-09T07:08:00.002-06:00

A year ago today you were born to soon, never to take a breath in this world
A year ago today we got to meet you, to hold you and kiss you
A year ago today we had to let you go, to heaven with our first Angel
A year ago today our hearts were broken, completely shattered
A year ago today seems like a life time ago
A year ago today seems like only yesterday
A year ago today will never be forgotten

Happy Birthday Son. Your Mommy and Daddy love you!

~Sarah~

"I'm so very sorry...."

2010-01-08T15:56:00.005-06:00

I can remember saying that, crying, laying on the hospital bed. We had just had our son. He was not alive.
My husband's response, through tears, with a half smile on his face, "Don't be sorry, you have given me everything I have ever wanted, a son. I love you, Sarah", he kissed my forehead, and hugged me.
The only thing I could think was yes, I gave you a son, but he was dead.

~Sarah~

One year ago today....

2010-01-06T06:05:00.002-06:00

Everything was perfect.
Our little baby was with us, alive, waiting to be born.
Little did we know that our life was about to be turned upside down,
Our hearts would be crushed, torn apart.
Never to be the same again.
Oh how I wish that things would have been different.
~Sarah~

Sharing ...

2009-10-20T19:57:00.004-05:00

Another Mom of an Angel recently showed me this necklace that was made out of her little baby girls flowers from her funeral. I thought that I would pass along the website. I wish I had known about it when we lost L.D., as I would have save more flowers. What they do is take the actual flower and make it into a necklace, bracelet, etc.. the prices are pretty reasonable.
www.beads-n-more.homestead.com

~Sarah~

Struggling & lost....

2009-10-17T03:47:00.003-05:00

That's where I've been. Struggling to go on. Struggling to go about a new day. Struggling to live my life. Struggling with relationships. Struggling to work. Lost in this drowning sea of grief. Just when life seems to be getting easier, a nice big wave comes and crashes into my heart, breaking it, smashing it to pieces all over again. And I am back to drowning.

The 9th was Baby Dale's 9 month birthday. The dates fell exactly how they did back in Jan. Thurs. the 8th, Friday the 9th, Sat. the 10th and Sunday the 11th. Nine months. wow. When you say it, it seems so far away, but then I can remember every little detail as it was yesterday.

That seems to be part of my issue. My therapist is concerned that I might actually have a chemical imbalance and anxiety. For the past month and a half, that is all I can think about. It is not as bad as the beginning, but pretty darn close. I think about the sequence of events leading up to our baby boy's death. It never gets easier. So much harder. We were discussing meds at my last appointment. I do not want to go on them, however, I am afraid that time is coming. I have these irrational fears, deeper worries than I have before. I don't want to leave the house, I don't want to see people, or talk to anyone. D & I are drifting, not bad, but I feel it, he feels it. I can't give him the one thing that he wants the most, and it breaks my heart to know that it breaks his. He says that he is so happy with just us. But to remember seeing his face, and feeling his excitement and love towards this baby, and how proud he was. He tells me I have given him everything he wants, we have two little babies, but I can't help and think, they are gone. Not here. Gone.

I have begun turning away from my Savior, our Lord. I am trying not to. I can't tell you the last time I actually prayed. Prayed for my husband, my children, my family. Nothing. Yeah, I have said a quick, thank you GOD, but not actually prayed. In fact, I have been skipping church. 2 times. I am back to the whole, nothing bad can happen to me if I don't go, I've lost my children, nothing can be worse. Right?

The whole depression commercials, that is me. I feel like I am hurting everyone around me and I just want it to stop. Stop hurting. Me. My husband. My family. My friend(s). So much I have stopped caring about. Gained weight, late bills, don't clean the house like I used to, bad attitude, appearance.... wow.. just about got it all. None of this matters anymore. I guess that I think that since I am aware of what I am feeling that is good, right? I don't think that I have ever been depressed in my life. Yeah, the occasional, having a bad day or two, but never this long...

Honestly, I don't know what I expected for dealing with loosing our son. Did / do I think that I need to be healed by now? Is the pain supposed to be lessened now? Why do "they", people & books, tell us, it gets easier with time, time heals all pain. That is a line of b.s. I will forever feel this way. As much as I try not to.

I truly hope that you are all doing well.

~Sarah~

Sept. 09

2009-09-08T16:01:00.002-05:00

Eight months ago, we found out our precious little baby was no longer living safely inside of me. Eight months ago tomorrow, he was born, sleeping.
Eight months ago Friday, he was buried.
Eight months seems so far away, yet I can remember every little detail like it just happened. Vividly. Clearly. Oh how I wish things would have been so different.

~Sarah~

Oh the innocence....

2009-08-15T08:02:00.003-05:00

I was watching the local news this am and there was this young, bliss-full, been-together-since- high -school couple on this particular local channel, documenting their pregnancy. There was no story behind the reason for them documenting this on the news other than "to have documentation of the pregnancy" and to "help others" (?)- per the husband. No infertility problems that they overcame (that they spoke of), no multiples, nothing out of the "ordinary". They showed them at their home, at their dr. appointment, the sonogram. She is only 13 weeks & 2 days. On T.V. Her comment was she was "glad they were past the first trimester". My heart sank for her, them. They both do not know what in the world can happen! There is so much that can happen with out such notice, that can break one's heart. They could not pick up the heart beat with the doppler, but could on the sonogram. When they first said that, I thought, shirley not! Then they showed the sono and said there was the heart beat, and a little baby floating around.....

*Sigh*

We saw Little Dales heartbeat on the sono at 6 weeks and heart it on the doppler at 9 weeks and 14 weeks. I to was so glad to be past the first trimester, in the safetly zone. Everything was perfect with no problems, or so we thought. And there still is "no reason" that we lost him, and our innocence, what little we had left.

I do hope that they have a happy ending.

~Sarah~

Aug 11, 2009

2009-08-11T10:58:00.002-05:00

There is SO much I want to say these days... so much going on...
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The month of August has always been hard. This is the month that our first little Angel was due to be born, Aug 23. Every year I remember this day, this month. Hard to imagine we would have a 13 year old! I have only had one vision of what we would have had, and it is since we lost Little Dale. It was the night before the whole cemetery meeting, and I pictured a beautiful young girl holding Little Dale. We miss our first Angel so much.
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Today was 7 months ago when we buried our Son. Sunday was 7 months ago that he was born. Everything is just swirling around in my head. Everything is so vivid. Still. It still is so hard. I think that I thought it wouldn't be this hard, this far out. But it sure is. D. has been having some bad days also.... I miss him so much.

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Last month I had my therapy at a longer interval than previous.. that was not so great. So I am getting back to my regular 2 weeks. It really seems to help me. We also had our SHARE meeting, and that always helps. I think that it really helps D. He doesn't want/have time/ won't make time for regular therapy for himself, so as long as he want's to go to SHARE, we will. I don't think that I am strong enough to go by myself, but someday hope to be able to.
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I think that I am about to hold my first infant since we lost Little Dale. Actually this little boy is one of my managers, who was born in March, and we were pregnant together. He would have been 3 months older than our son. I haven't put myself in this situation and am scared as hell. I am afraid that I will break down, and don't want to. To be honest, I was supposed to call her and let her know what time I was getting here... but was putting it off and she called......
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I want to THANK EVERYONE that has commented to me. I really do appreciate your thoughts and words. I do try to comment back and on others blogs, but for some reason I can't. It seems like the ones that have the crooked words I can comment on easier, but the others I can't seem to. If anyone has an ideas on what I can change let me know. I do follow your blogs, and laugh with you , or cry with you, or feel what you are feeling.
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Sarah~

Friday July 31st...

2009-07-31T21:32:00.002-05:00

I think that I am depressed. And I am sinking more into it. I can't say that I have ever been depressed before. Of course, I thought that I was or had been at the time. Having a bad day. A break up in high school. A fight with a friend. I sure do not feel the same kind of depression that I thought that was.

I can 't seem to be motivated, about anything. I was doing "OK" for a while, after being done with the anger stage of this grief process. Several weeks ago though, I just began thinking, of everything that happened when we lost our Little Dale. Everything keeps playing over and over in my mind. Don't get me wrong, I didn't forget, and will never forget. It seems like the first 1 to 2 months after loosing him, I was so numb, and maybe didn't feel. Definitely I was in denial and the start of the anger phase. Month 3, 4 & 5 was spent so angry. Month 6 I thought that I was beginning to "heal". I was ready to be positive, move on. Not in a bad way, just get better. It will be 7 months on the 9th of August. The past three weeks have been hell. I am so short with everyone. Everything is getting on my nerves and pissing me off. Even the little things. I feel as I am finding something to fight with D about, not that he doesn't give me enough ammo...

I have only admitted this to 3 people, D, my therapist and another mom that recently lost her little angel girl at 34 weeks. In the beginning, several weeks or months, I really don't know, I prayed to GOD to let me not wake up the next morning. I wanted to see my angels, and be with them and hold them. I wanted everything to be right, and felt that is how it would be. I have been feeling that way here recently. Don't get me wrong, I would not do anything to harm myself. My personal belief is that if I did do something to end my life on purpose, I will not see my children. And that is really the only thing that is keeping me going right now. I also couldn't / wouldn't do anything because I could not put D through that or my family.

I am going to see my priest tomorrow. He was transferred to another parish and we will be driving to see him. I need to see him. I have been thinking of him a lot these past couple weeks and wishing he was still here at our parish. He was such a big part of our son's short life. Blessing our pregnancy, coming to the hospital and blessing Little Dale, performing his funeral, helping counsel me after we lost him. He gives me a sense that everything will be alright just being at his mass.

I guess and am hoping this is just part of the whole grieving process. I have an appointment with my therapist next week. We tried spacing it out to 1 time a month, and right now I don't think that is good. I think I need to go back to 2 times a month. We also have our SHARE meeting next week. We had to miss last month due to D being in the field, so we are looking forward to attending this months.

I hope all is well as can be for everyone.

~Sarah~

Please Pray....

2009-07-25T21:44:00.002-05:00

If you have a chance, please say a prayer and visit Marie and her husband @ http://myexpectedend.blogspot.com/. They are going through a rough time as they just lost their second angel.

~Sarah~

Choices we make...

2009-07-21T09:11:00.006-05:00

Everyone makes choices. Good and bad. Easy or hard. Right or wrong. I have really been thinking about the choices in my life. Did I choose this path per say? I read the book The Secret a couple years back and have frequently referred back to it. To be honest, I actually believed it. I believed that we, by our actions, physical and mental, created our destiny our future. And to some extent, I still do, but are they the choices we make?

I stop and think back to when I was pregnant. Did I really want to loose my son? Did I really want to go through the grieving that took place? Did I really want to let down all the people that were let down, devastated by loosing Baby Dale? Disappoint my husband? Go through (and could still be there) very ugly depression? Did I want to ditch all my friends, draw away from that ones that I love very much, and who love us very much and hurt them? (Depression hurts everyone)Did I really want to go through turning my back on GOD, the whole cemetery problem?

The answer to this is very obvious. Of course I did not! I wanted Baby Dale so much! But it tears me up inside to think I made bad choices while I was pregnant, both physical and mental. Now don't get me wrong, I DID NOTHING while I was pregnant. NOTHING. I was determined to have a happy, healthy, beautiful little baby. I had already lost one, so this was going to be different. I didn't lift anything heavy. No laundry baskets, no grocery bags, nothing heavy at work. I came home, went straight to the couch, laid around most of the time. I did not color my hair, paint my nails or toes. Anything that might or could have harmed my little baby, I simply didn't do. So by being precocious did I bring that into my Ora, my zone, my thoughts, and that is why we lost Baby Dale? Did my physical health (being diabetic), while very much controlled and closely monitored by myself and Dr's/dietitian, hurt? I very rarely ate any processed sweets.(Thanksgiving, a few peanut m.M;s, sugar free gum) But are those something that hurt our son? It was my choice after all to eat them. Am I going to struggle with wondering for the rest of my life if it was a wrong choice I made that made my little son die? I still think after 13 years of what could have happened with our first Angel. Will I be here 13 years from now, wondering about both of our little babies, and what happened, was it a choice I made that cost them their life?

Or was it my mental actions that brought this all on? In the beginning, yes I worried. We had lost one little Angel already, we were told we were not going to be getting pregnant by 4 Dr's and here we were pregnant. Extremely happy, but scared. Blood test every other day. Sono. Week 13, things are great. The worry faded. The holidays came and went. Then, the the year rolled over to 2009, and life was completely turned upside down. So, by the first couple months of worrying, did I somehow change the deck of cards in the universe? Flip over the card of death? I thought and still do think that it is pretty normal to worry about your pregnancy, especially after loosing a previous pregnancy. Did I just let my guard down, thinking everything is ok and will be ok? After hearing his heart beat at 9 weeks, I think is when I really let my guard down. Then we heard it again at 14 weeks. We thougth it was smooth sailing from here. Boy were we wrong. If I had chosen to stay worried, concerned about every little things, would he still be here? I still struggle, most every day about the reason we lost him. Or lack of reason, as there was nothing wrong with him. Nothing. He looked so perfect. And his test were all good. A perfect little baby boy. The Dr's said, "it is just one of those things that happen for no reason".

So I guess I need to leave the reason up to GOD. I am going to choose to leave it all up to GOD. I am still grieving, very heavily, but am at the point that I do realize that ultimately it is GOD who has the plan, as he is the master. I will never fully understand or get over loosing Baby Dale, or our first Angel. But I have to choose to be ok with that, or not. Right now, I choose to be ok with it. Our son is in heaven with his sibling, waiting for us to come and hold them. And someday, we will. That is what I choose.

~Sarah~

Why can't I keep my mouth shut????

2009-07-21T09:05:00.002-05:00

I did it again. I went out on a limb and just had to ask. One of the girls from work, who happens to be pregnant, called me to ask me a question and I didn't leave it at that. I thought I would be ok asking, how she was doing, did she know what she was having. Of course she did. It's a boy. **big sigh**
~Sarah~

Monday 7/20

2009-07-20T20:38:00.004-05:00

It is hard to believe that it has been 6 months and 11 days since our beautiful son was born, still. We miss him so much. So many things remind me of him, and that he should be here, in our arms, keeping us up at night, crying, eating, laughing, cooing... but he is not. It has been a hard couple days. I have been reliving everything that happened when we lost him. Remembering every little detail. The sonogram showing that he no longer was alive, being up all night, just thinking of him, wondering what happened, and why it happened. Next month is the due date of our first little Angel, so that is on my mind also. Hard to believe that we would have had a 13 year old.
My cousin's wedding is this Saturday. My other cousin will be there and she was due on our first due date of 6/14. I have not heard if she has had her baby, i'm wondering if no one told me yet because of loosing Little Dale. I do not want to go and see her, with her perfect family, her perfect newborn, that should be our son's age. Don't get me wrong, I hope that everything is fine and good for all of them, but I know that it is going to hurt to see them. I am trying to get out of going to the wedding, but right now I am the one that is taking my Mom.
I was at work this week and one of my manager's 10 month old granddaughter came in to the shop. I am close with this manager, and she knows about us loosing Little Dale. I wanted to see the baby but it is so much harder than I anticipated. So I stayed in the office. I also spoke to one of the many pregnant employees that we have working for us right now, and she is exactly at the point that we lost Little Dale. That hurt. And I was worried for her. I wanted to tell her to cherish every moment with that little baby, because it can be gone in a second. She is so young, and I didn't want to scare her, so I kept my mouth shut. On top of that, she just found out she is having a little boy. That hurt too. Am I just jealous? Why does it hurt so much? A couple others that are pregnant have found out that they are having girls, and the "pang in the stomach" didn't appear when I heard that news... I don't know...
Why does it seem that EVERYWHERE I turn there is someone pregnant? Seriously... was I that oblivious before? Even when we lost our first one, 13 years ago, it did not seem that way.

~Sarah~

July 18th

2009-07-18T07:22:00.002-05:00

I have recently read a book that I thought that I would pass on. I feel as though it has helped me with my grief tremendously. (It is not a grief book however) The book is called "The Shack", written by William Paul Young. It is a religious book, however, it does not reflect on one certain religion, just the "basics" of a Christian person. I would love to discuss it with anyone who has read or reads it. My sister and I have been discussing it for a week now and keep discussing. If anyone would like to borrow my copy, I can mail it to you.

I read a really good post on http://nationalshare.blogspot.com/ about grief (7/17). Rose wrote this post about a newsletters article she had read and I like the way that she explains it. There are also some other good post on there also.

This week has been pretty rough for me. I am missing both of my little Angels. But I know that someday, we will get to meet and hold them in our arms.

I hope everyone is doing as well as can be.

~Sarah~

It's been a while....

2009-07-10T15:29:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was the 6 month Angelversary of our little son being born, still, into this world. It is hard to believe that it has been that long, yet is still seems like only yesterday that we lost him. We still think of what should have been. The memories that we were anxious to create with him. Spoiling him. Loving him. He is so loved in this world.

I had thought that I was ready to be done blogging. I checked in a few times to try and keep up with all my fellow bloggers that I follow. Hoping to hear all good news from everyone, and it looks like it has been. But the truth is, I missed you guys. There is a real sense of friendship here in blog land. We have all said it or thought it at some point, everyone has been through the same thing, we know how each other feel, and we feel for each other. Wishing and hoping the best.

So much has happened the past couple weeks. I feel as though I am getting better, then something triggers a breakdown.

I think that we are finally done with the cemetery situation. Short version of the story, the head stone is moved, the cemetery guy is an A**, (he literally stood 2 rows from where our son is buried,as his little headstone is being placed and screamed and yelled at us, yes, screamed and yelled,) that we are lye rs, (so is the other couple, the secretary and told us that our priest said something that he did not), and how we needed to grow up, he never sold us 4 plots,(we have the receipt that shows 4) we were supposed to be where we were, just a whole bunch of sh***. We are completely done. In our hearts and minds, it is over. We are however waiting to see what will happen, because there is another family that says theirs is wrong, and the original headstone in question was put in the wrong place, AGAIN!

We are at the point of "are we going to try again", and both scared as hell.That actually seems to be the question of the day/week/month/year from many. Which quite honestly is a bold question to ask of someone, let alone someone who has lost a chile/ren. We tried so long to get pregnant, it feels so contradictory to try and prevent it, because that is what we want so bad. But loosing two babies you don't exactly have positive thoughts coming to mind. I know that everyone feels so different about it. My bf irl tried and got pregnant as soon as she could after loosing her twins. I just don't know if I am that strong. Or if we are that strong. I couldn't imagine being pregnant again, and being calm and not worrying about loosing another one. It breaks my heart for my husband who wants another child. I would do anything to give him that, and its the one thing that I can't.

I am feeling better about my faith. I still have my days, but I am not as angry with GOD. I know that he is good, and he should be the center of my life, and I do thank him for everything. He does not punish us. I am still having a hard time seeing the reason for this happening, but am trying to have faith in knowing that HE does know what he is doing, and He does have a plan. Whether I like it or not, I am ultimately his follower.

I hope you all are doing well.

~Sarah~

Peace, My Friend

2009-06-16T14:38:00.007-05:00

Dear Blogger Friends,

I heard this song, and fell in love with it. For many reason & I wanted to share it will all of you.

You all have given me strength, support, courage, love and hope to heal in these past 5 months, all while knowing that it will take forever to completely heal. Although it has not been easy for any of us, you have made the pain bearable. You have been there for me when friends and family haven't / couldn't be. You understand and understood. I wish you all the best and hope and pray that your dreams will come true. I am happy for all of you that are expecting and will keep positive thoughts (for everyone).(Please know that I would comment more often on each blog, but for some reason I can not comment)

I also think think of this song as a song for my son, Baby Dale. I want him to be at peace, and to be with God. I wish that I had this for his funeral, it seems so fitting when letting someone you love go.

If I did this correct, you should be able to click on the post title and it will take you to the song. All you will have to do is click on listen now. I could not find it to put it on my music player, so this is the only other way I know how to do it. I am including the words at the bottom.

With this I leave you

Peace, My Friend,

~Sarah~

*This song is by Jaime Rickert*

1.
We have come to know each other.
We have come to love each other.
We are more when we’re together than we are when we’re apart.
Though the years may fall between us,
we must never fear the distance.
We are one in God forever
in our minds and in our hearts.

Refrain:

Peace, my friend,
may the love of God go with you.
May the Father guide your footsteps.
May the sun shine ev’ry day.
Peace, my friend,
may the Spirit walk beside you.
May his grace be warm within you.
May you always find your way.
2.
When the time has come for leaving,
when the words have all been spoken,
when you know the door is open as it always will remain.
When the last goodbye has echoed,
when the last tear has been shed,
when we’ve said it all a hundred times,
we’ll say it once again.

Refrain:

Happy Birthday Baby Dale...

2009-06-09T20:21:00.002-05:00

B - ABY
A - NGEL
B - ORN
Y - OUNG

D - ARLING
A - NGEL
L - OVED
E - VER LASTING

Missing you son on your birthday. We love you so much.

~Sarah~

5 Months Ago today....

2009-06-08T13:37:00.002-05:00

In about an hour and a half, (3:05) I found out, with only the sonographer in the room, that my precious, so much loved and wanted, baby, was no longer alive, living peacfully inside of me. I will never forget that moment, the first moment that she put the wand on my belly, you could immediatley tell. There was no heartbeat. Only a perfect little baby. Just laying there, not moving. Oh how I wish things would have been different. We would be having him soon. We would be happy. We would not be living in the life we now know as hell. Our lives would not be consumed with "what if's" or "should have been's".

Mommy and Daddy miss you Little Dale. And we love you more than anything.

~Sarah~

May 28th....

2009-05-28T18:33:00.009-05:00

There is so much that is going on, so much I want to say, but nothing really matters. My Son is not here with us. I am still pissed off at the world, hating everything.

The cemetery situation is still not any better. We called the guy that sold us the wrong plots and buried our Son at the wrong end, and he was a dick. Sorry, but he was. He very rudely, bluntly, curtly said NO! they wouldn't pay for it. Needless to say that we ARE taking it to the church board meeting and seeing what can be done with it. I wrote a very "nice" letter letting them know what had happened (he has not told anyone that we know of that this has happened, not even the Priest). I think that he will be very surprised to see us there and get the letter. It's bad enough that we are going through it, trying to grieve, and on top of it we have to arrange and pay to correct his mistake.

Our house is still in shambles... we are still waiting for the contractor to come and fix the drywall and floor and everything else. Our little baby's room, that should have a crib, changing table, baby clothes, toys, now sits torn a apart, no floor with a hole in the wall. We do think that we got the mold though. Not that it matters now. Of course, every time that I even step foot in that room, or make sure that it is gone in our room, I think, was this (mold) the reason that our baby died? (Deep down, probably not. In hindsight, there was not a lot, at all. The contractor said this was nothing compared to what some people live in..)Seriously, there was about a half inch wide and maybe 6-8 inches total long, not even consecutive.

Dates are looming up on us.. Little Dale's due date is coming up on June 24th. I would like to take this whole month, and just run away, or stay in bed, or crawl in a hole, it really doesn't matter. At our SHARE meeting, one of the lady's there said she looked at her due date differently. And she has a point. I have been dwelling on "I should be this far along" etc... but she put it like this, after her due date came and went, she knew that she would have had her baby by then, so she shouldn't be pregnant. So I am thinking the same. June 25th, I would have been no longer pregnant. Plus Father's day is right around the corner. D is really dreading this one... His heart is so heavy right now also. I don't know how it will all work out. I just wish that we could go back to Jan., and everything would be fine. We would be 36 weeks pregnant, with a little baby. We would / should have everything ready for him / her. We were not going to find out, and we could not wait until the moment came that they told us what we had. Well, actually it did happen that way, only when our baby came, he was dead.

I still have not been back to church. It is not bothering me as much. I just found out this Sunday from my sister that our Priest is leaving the first of July. I cried so much. Actually Sat and Sun I cried. Over everything. And nothing. Being Catholic, we have had several different priest. Being from a small community, all the religions around, priest, preachers, etc.. come and go every couple years. Our current Priest means so much to us. He performed our marriage ceremony in the Catholic Church (we were first married at D's church, Baptist, I then wanted to be married in the Catholic church and have it recognized.) We got to know him through this process. Then, when we found out that we were expecting, we asked him to bless our pregnancy, and our home. He did both. He always was smiling. I remember him just grinning after mass at how big I was getting. He is Haitian, and speaks proper English, but broken. One day after mass he was smiling and said, "oh I see baby is getting big"... he is so great. He really had meaning when he preached. And then the day we had Little Dale, he was out of town in St Louis on a re-treat, and he drove all the way up (approx 3 hrs) to be with us in the hospital, and bless our Son. He was there for us. He preformed our Son's funeral. He sent a "church" card,a and a personal card. I met with him in Feb.09 b/c I was having such a hard time. He was part of the reason D thought about becoming Catholic. He never judged. He tried to help. Now, he is leaving, and I haven't been back to church. He will always have a special place in our hearts, for the person that he his, and his connection he has with us, and our Son.

I met with my therapist today. The next time we meet, all the above mentioned, should hopefully be done. Finished. Taken care of. Dealt with. And I am hoping that I can get out of this angry stage. I think that I will be able to move on with my grieving, maybe even grieve properly, if there is such a thing. I feel like the cemetery situation, our house being torn apart is really holding this off, as these are what help keeps me angry...

~Sarah~

Lost

2009-05-22T23:08:00.002-05:00

I am lost. My heart is heavy, broken. My body is numb. My mind is confused, constantly racing, thinking. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am just going through the motions. And why I ask myself? I have so much to say, to feel, but does is really matter? In the end, nothing will bring back my son. That is all that matters.
With this weekend being Memorial Day, of course I think of Little Dale. He is on my mind all day long. Wishing he was here. We should be 36 weeks. Safe. But that is not the case. Life completely sucks.

~Sarah~

May 16th, 2009

2009-05-16T21:10:00.002-05:00

Dear Little Angels,

Your Mommy & Daddy are missing you so much. We wish that you were here with us. You are constantly on our minds and forever in our hearts. We love you and can't wait til we can hold you again!

~Sarah~

A Father's Blog

2009-05-15T11:09:00.002-05:00

I just thought I'd pass on to everyone a blog that I found. I started following it to see what the men are going through so I could help Dale more. (He is not into computers / blogging like I am.) Anyway, the blog is http://fathersgrievinginfantloss.blogspot.com/. (I do not know how to link to another blog, so I just copied / pasted it, I hope it works. ) I hope that there is some helpful info in here for anyone that could use it or pass on to our hubbies, or whoever.
~Sarah~

A funny....

2009-05-13T20:43:00.004-05:00

This seems to be the theme of how my life is going right now. If it can go wrong, it will. (even with O.R.eo's)......

I got home from work today, and had received the order for S.lim . n. 6. an exercise program I ordered in my early- morning - can't sleep -nothing - else -to- do- but- watch -infomercials -stage of weakness. I was siked! So siked the first thing that I thought was " I need to go eat the last row of O.Reo's w/ a glass of cold milk so I can start tomorrow!" LOL.

SO, I go in, grab my glass, fill it with milk, take the first O.R.eo, go in for the first dip, and this is what I got!

The damn glass was to skinny to dip it in! GO FIGURE!

* I hope someone can grab a smile from this* :-)

~Sarah~

May 13th, 2009

2009-05-13T17:44:00.009-05:00

As most of you know, I am having a very hard time with my faith. It has completely been shaken. I have not been back to Mass, I have not been praying, I have not been a christian person. I need help with this.

It is hard to admit, especially out loud. I am so angry / mad / upset at GOD. I have never felt this way! I know that he does not punish us, I know that he only gives us what we can handle (?), I know that there is a reason that I do not know, but I can not accept this right now. I am so hurt and confused.

I was born and raised Catholic, both parents were born and raised Catholic, but my Dad did not attend, 5 siblings, church every Sunday, etc... my parents have been married for 41 years, but before they were married, my Dad was married and had 2 other kids. A son and daughter. I did not know this until I was in my teens. Well, the daughter died when she was 2 (I think). When my Dad first told me about this, and has referred to this several times in my life there after, he would always say, that "if there is a GOD, why would he allow this suffering" . I remember thinking, how harsh of a statement that is, questioning if GOD was real, etc.. and hoping that before my Dad passes, he would change his way of thinking. I hate to admit it, but I see where he is coming from, and find myself thinking the same.

I have lost my faith, any hope that I had left, my strength to move on. At one time, I turned towards my religion. Now, with everything that we are going through, I am turning away from it. To be honest, I get my strength from you, my online friends, and see hope through you, and try to regain my faith, seeing that there can be a light at the end of the tunnel.

I need to get my faith back. I need to start believing again, and being a christian. I need to believe that everything is going to be OK. That Dale and I are going to make it through this, and become happy again. I need to not question things that don't need to be questioned. If not, I am afraid that I will not see my babies when it is my turn to go.

~Sarah~

I'm here, physically....

2009-05-08T16:13:00.005-05:00

I just don't feel like I am here mentally or emotionally.

I am still soooooooooooo angry! I just wish that I could stop this feeling! I really am tired of being and bitch! I get so mad about everything. I have just been coming home and doing nothing! I try to control my anger when I am at work and such and normally I do.

And of course we are still dealing with the grave site situation. Long story short, the couple volunteered / agreed to move their headstone. The cemetery guy admitted also to them that he made a mistake but was taking no responsibility / action to do anything about it. So we have to make the arrangements to have it moved and paid for. Then we are asking the cemetery board to reimburse us. Just what I wanted to do after loosing my son and burying him. Yeah, thanks...

Then there is Mothers Day. Yippee... I am pretty sure that most all of us are dreading this. Can we take it off the calendar? Dale and I were talking about going away for the weekend, but not looking like that will happen.... I am not only hurting from loosing my children, but this is the first and only year that my relationship has been strained with my own Mother. I really hope that it gets better soon. I really wish this weekend was over.

On top of all this, this is our anniversary weekend that we lost our son. Four months ago today we found out he was no longer living. Tomoorow is the 4 months anniversary that he was born and Monday is the four month anniversary that we buried our little baby.

I should be 33 weeks and 2 days pregnant today. We should be planning on bringing him home, instead of greiving loosing him.

I still hate work!

Life completly sucks!

I miss him so much!

I love you Little Dale!

~Sarah~

April 30th, 2009

2009-04-30T19:45:00.008-05:00

I have really been down the past couple days, more than normal that is.

I finally broke down and cried Tuesday night. It was D.'s birthday, he was down all day, we both actually had a good cry that night. We had been looking forward to his birthday b/c that meant that our little baby would be arriving soon after. But, it didn't happen that way.

I thought that since I did cry the other night, that I was done with my anger stage. Boy was I wrong. I have tried and not been able to cry in about 6 weeks, and after Tues. I thought that I could let go of some of this anger and continue grieving. But since Tues, I can't seem to cry. I don't want to sit around and cry, I do want to some day be "happy", but this anger is eating me up!

I also have really been considering quiting my job, but it seems so selfish of me. There are so many people that their jobs are in jeopardy, or who have lost their jobs and here I am mapping out a financial plan so I can quite mine. (I would have to get another job) I think that I am ready not to be the boss, just go to work, and come home. I have always told all of the employees that I manage that if you do not like your job, and hate going to work in the am, your unhappiness is NOT worth the money. But I have to stop and think, I know that I am going through a very tough time in my life, and hopefully I will not always be this down and out, so I should hang on to my job, and get through the next several months. I don't want to give myself a time frame, but July will be 6 months, so I am trying to hang on til then and decide what to do. I do like / love my job, but my heart is not in it at all. I am doing what needs to be done, but really that is about it. I just want to be a recluse and not leave the house anymore. I have thought about just taking some unpaid time off for a month or so, but really don't think that would / could help. When I was off after loosing Little Dale, I took about 2 1/2 weeks off, could have taken more, but felt I would be "better" going back. I think that I was really getting very depressed being at home all that time. Looking back, I kind of wish that I took more time. Has anyone quit their job after their loss /es? Do you regret it? Did it help you and your family?

The grave site sitation (April 9th) has gotten bigger. (we were sold the wrong sites that had already been purchased) I don't know what is going to happen with that. We WILL NOT move Little Dale.

I know that I am dreading / thinking about Mother's Day, the Father's Day (I thought the baby would be born on that day), then his due date June 24th.... So these are heavily mind... That's all for now...

~Sarah~

Lost relationships......

2009-04-28T18:33:00.002-05:00

have really been weighing heavily on my mind. I think that most all of us that have lost a child have been through this, I just wonder if we ever get them back?

The one that is bothering me the most is the distance between my Mom and I. I used to talk to her everyday, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day, about nothing. Just seeing what she is doing, how was her day, etc... I will say, that she is a very strong woman, but I think that she just does not know what say or do for us. She does not call at all like she used to. Heck, I haven't talked to her since Saturday, and I called her! Before that it was I think the Tuesday before! I want to talk to her and tell her some stuff, like we are still SO HURTING, I am VERY depressed, I have been seeing a therapist and we have been going to group counseling, the cemetery guy sold us the wrong grave site, we picked out and ordered L.D.'s head stone, I am HATING my job. I just don't know why she doesn't ask? I know, I could easily tell her this stuff, but I just don't want to bombard her with all of this and bring her down. I think that she is upset to see her daughter (me) hurting, she has to know, I have NOT been myself. Also, when we had L.D. we (D) had asked her to stay in the labor and delivery room while we had him. I am sure that was hard for her, seeing her grandchild born, and not be alive, and I understand that.

Another relationship that is on my mind is a friend that I have had since kindergarten. We have always been close. However, not that she did anything at all, since I lost L.D., I don't want to pursue our friendship. She has texted, emailed and v.m. me several times since we lost him, and I have no desire to connect to her. Why is this?

I don't remember having these feelings when we lost our first Angel, 13 years ago. Maybe I don't remember, or maybe I was to young to "feel" anything like this. I don't know. But it really is bothering me. Because I do love these two people so much.....

~Sarah~

April 28th, 2009

2009-04-28T18:29:00.003-05:00

Today is D.'s birthday. He is so sad! He has been thinking all day about L.D., I can hear it in is voice, the way he walks. I just wish I could take his pain away! We both had thought at the time of D.'s b-day, L.D. would just about be here, and that is what is going through both of our minds. I should be 32 weeks.... it is so hard thinking of that, but I do, every day. I tried to make it a good birthday for him, even went overboard a little bit, just to put a smile on his face. He said that he is feeling better, but I know that he hurts so bad.

~Sarah~

Relief

2009-04-26T06:22:00.003-05:00

I have lifted a big weight off of my shoulders. I have been thinking/stressing/worrying about getting Little Dale a headstone for his graveside. We had went a little over a month ago, thinking that we were ready and it wouldn't be hard, boy were we both wrong. Anyway, we went yesterday and picked it out. They will send us proofs to finalize and then will put it on the headstone and deliver it to the cemetery. I really do like it, if you can like a headstone for your child.

I have also just "published" Our Story on my blog. I had written it back on April 8 & 9th, it is long. I feel better writing it all down, and telling Our Story. This is the story of our L.D. and I want everyone to know him!

~Sarah~

Under the Tree

2009-04-24T16:50:00.010-05:00

Thank you Carly for keeping us going! You are true motivation!

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?
We lost our first Angel Feb 10th, 1996 and we lost our son, Dale III on Jan. 09, 2009. My grief has been so different with the two. We were devastated with the loss of our first one, but it seems that the grief has been more intense with loosing Little Dale. We had tried so long to become pregnant, and were told that we would NOT be having children, so of course he was a miracle and so much wanted. (not that our first one wasn't.) I can say with loosing our first one, which was 13 years ago this Feb, life did eventually get easier. With loosing Little Dale, it has not been getting any easier at all.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?
It depends on the day. If it is a good day, which right now are few and far between, I don't even think about it. But the other days, I just think, why not me? I know that is selfish, and I truly try and be happy for them, but I still wonder.

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

Right now I am actually in therapy, and I honestly do feel as though that is helping. I think just going and talking to someone, letting it all out, really helped me. Plus we have attended a SHARE meeting, which we both thought helped alot. I find that blogging with all of the other Moms on here really help alot. There is so much encouragement from so many. I try to exercise on a regular basis, but mostly I am just letting my feelings, emotions, thoughts just be. I talk to D. all the time about what I am feeling and what he is feeling.

~Sarah~

One More Day...

2009-04-23T05:43:00.004-05:00

I have always loved this song. I heard it yesterday and thought about my little Angels, and all of you and your little Angels, and wanted to share it with everyone, as I am sure that we would all keep wishing for one more day. It is the last song on my play list, so feel free to listen, and have a good cry or maybe a big smile!

One More Day - by Lonestar

Last Night I had a crazy dream
Wish was granted just for me,
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money,
or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished for
one more day with you

One more day,
One more time
One more sunset
maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again;
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still,
for one more day with you
[Oh one more day]

First thing I'd do is pray for time to crawl
I'd unplug the telephone, and keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second,
say a million I Love You's
Thats what I'd do,
with one more day with you

One more day,
One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again;
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still,
for one more day with you

One more day,
One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again;
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day....
Leave me wishing still, for one more day....
Leave me wishing still, for one more day....
With you

[Oh... One more day]

~Sarah~

Dreading tomorrow...

2009-04-22T20:49:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is the first night since we lost Little Dale that I will be away from my DH. I am really dreading it. I have a overnight for work and will be leaving early in the am and returning Fri. I am trying not to let it get to me, but I am scared, anxious, worried. Normally, this would not be an issue, but nights are so hard for both of us, and it will be even harder not being home with each other. D. said he would come and get me if need be. I just want it to be over with!
~Sarah~

I'm trying....

2009-04-20T19:01:00.002-05:00

I am trying:
to be happy,
to count my blessings,
to appreciate life
to understand
to get back on track with my faith,
Nothing is working.

~Sarah~

What's on your resume?

2009-04-17T20:32:00.007-05:00

No, I am not talking our professional resume. I am talking about our parenting resume. No kidding. I think God is looking for something that I don't have to be a parent, and quite honestly, it pisses me off.

Out of the nine stores that I manage, 7 of them have pregnant women working in them. And the announcements keep coming, week after week. These have all been since I have been back to work at the end of January! Now, as most of you know, with what I / we all, have been through, hearing this news can sometimes be "upsetting". I do not want anything to happen to any of them. But let me just tell you the resume of the expecting mothers to be...
1) One night stand, did not want a baby at all, but going to "try" and work out the relationship with the o.n.s.
2) cheating wife, with a husband and 2 small children at home. Obviously NOT happy w/ current husband, to be cheating, right? Supposedly it is said husband b/c cheating man is "out of town"
3) young single women, already has a baby by current baby daddy that hits the mom. She frequently complains that she can't afford the child / family life they have, he doesn't keep a job, drinks / drugs, oh yeah, and hits her.
4) one not sure of whole situation, young, single, doesn't work f/t.. haven't heard full story yet.
5) you single woman who just last month wanted to loose her boyfriend and find a new one. She is now 2 months pregnant.
6) one just had said baby, and has called me 2 x already ready to come back to work, she is "bored".
7) this one just had a miscarriage back at the beginning of Feb, right after I came back from loosing L.D. I quietly went to her and told her that I was sorry about them loosing the baby, and her response was, "oh, it is no big deal". My conversation ended right there. I found out about 3 weeks ago that she was pregnant, again, and this past weekend she lost another baby. Should I try and comfort, or will it again be no big deal
8)We had one miscarry at another store, again, not an issue
(I know everyone deals with miscarriages and losses very differently, and I RESPECT THAT.)

Now, I have nothing against anyone that is young or single getting pregnant, as I was that exact person 13 years ago. In the past 8 years that I have been doing this job, we have not had this many pregnant people, at all, or any miscarriages that I knew of. So I am thinking, OK GOD, WHY is this so IN MY FACE!!! Come on, have we not been through enough? I come home, upset, and it so does not help that I am going through the big fat anger part this wonderful grief roller coaster!. I talk to D and tell him about this stuff, not trying to bring him down. He is really good at being there for me. I just think, why o why, do I keep subjecting myself to this! I so want to quite my job! I of course have to keep on my "happy face". And to be honest, I can't even bring myself to congratulate them! I smile, and look happy, and I am, but in the back of my head I am thinking, I hope to GOD that nothing happens. But to be honest again, I think, even with their credentials, they will have perfectly healthy, wonderful pregnancies that lead to perfectly healthy wonderful babies.

So, I am leaving you all with my resume. If anyone, even just one of you, can put in a good word for us, I would appreciate it. I really would LOVE this job.

Happily married couple, both responsible w/ very good jobs, a big family to love and cherish a child, especially the happy parents. Would definitely spoil so desperately wanted baby and help to nurture and grow said baby into a respectful, happy human. This child would be raised with love, morals, responsibilities, many aunts and uncles and cousins, and grandparents. And of course, two wonderful parents, that want nothing more than to hug and kiss and hold and spoil a little baby. Dad is looking forward to teaching said child how to truck and farm. Mom would love to stay at home and spend all the time in the world with said child, to teach, nurture and grow. Said child would be showered with hugs, kisses, warmth, happiness, and love, everyday of their life.

~Sarah~

Thank You

2009-04-17T20:29:00.002-05:00

I just wanted to THANK YOU all that have left me very kind and sincere comments, thoughts, prayers and hugs. I am not able to comment back for some reason.
~Sarah~

Grief

2009-04-15T20:37:00.004-05:00

So I am going through the "anger" stage in the grief process, and let me tell you, it is hitting me hard. I am just a ball of anger. Everything pisses me off! I have to take a huge step back at work, I come home, most of the time in a bad mood. I try not to take it out on D. and usually I don't, but every little thing get under my skin! I know that grief is a long process, and I fully intend to get through every stage. I just wish that I didn't have be going through it at all! I should be 30 weeks today, getting ready to have our little baby (we weren't going to find out). But no, I am sitting here pissed off at the world.

~Sarah~

~ Sisterhood Award ~

2009-04-12T08:53:00.051-05:00

http://livingwithloss.blogspot.com/ nominated me for the "Sisterhood Award". Thank you for this!

My 10 Nominees are :

http://missinglukas.blogspot.com/
http://littletinyfootprints.blogspot.com/
http://knockedupknockeddown.blogspot.com/
http://therealbean.blogspot.com/
http://missinggregory.blogspot.com/
http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/
http://littlebluebirdsfly.blogspot.com/
http://sharonvw.wordpress.com/
http://snarky-belle.blogspot.com/
http://stilllifewithcircles.blogspot.com/

All of these women (and many others that I follow) are strong, courageous & honest, all while having a broken heart! Every single one of these blogs has helped me in some way, whether to cry, to laugh, or just to help me to see what I am feeling, the hurt, anger, sorrow, pain, the confusion, all of it is so "normal" for us that are going through loosing our babies.

(I am new to this, so I hope that I did this correct and everyone is able to link to the addresses that I nominated!)
:-)

Here are the rules after nomination: Put the logo on your blog or post. Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post. Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

The new me

2009-04-12T08:18:00.002-05:00

The new me has lost has lost her way in this word,
does not have the cares that she once had.

The new me has lost her faith,
one that was once so strong, and now is bothered by loosing it.

The new me has lost her friends,
by choice, not by chance.

The new me has lost all hope,
hope that one day, she will have a living child.

The new me has lost close loved ones,
they do not know what to say or do.

The new me just wishes she had her precious angels,
to hold, to love and to cherish.

This is the new me,
the one that I will have to live with,
forever, and most people just do not understand.

~Sarah~

So much on my mind lately.....

2009-04-09T19:52:00.006-05:00

And I can't seem to concentrate....
Our little angel was brought into this world, still, three months ago on April 9. That is hitting us very hard. We attended my husband's nieces' baby's memorial service today. That has also been heavily on our minds. We both felt guilty if you will. We were there for his niece and her family, but L.D. and what we had been through was so much on our heart and mind.

We went to pick out L.D.'s head stone a couple weeks ago. I don't know what exactly I was thinking, but it was SO MUCH harder than what I (we) had thought. I guess I thought the "hard" part was done, loosing L.D., the funeral, and the past several months of grieving. Boy were we both wrong. There was so much to decide! I do not wish this on ANYONE! I have told several family members to have your funeral plans / head stone "wishes" before anyone has to go through that. Even if you don't pay for it, write it down and hope that someone will honor it.

While grieving the loss of L.D. I have pretty much "removed" all of my friends from my life. I seriously wrote an email stating that I knew that people were contacting me and I wasn't responding, but understand that I am going through a rough period. Honestly, I was tired of hearing all the so called kind words that hurt. And too, I friends were the last thing on my mind. I didn't and still don't care what is going on in the friend world. Don't get me wrong, I still care about them all. It's just the things that "mattered" before, don't anymore. I have my family, and that is all I need. Someday I might look back and think "what the hell was I thinking", but as of now, I am OK with it.

Which brings me to the whole "I don't care attitude" that I have been having. I really don't. I don't care if the house is cleaned, I haven't been grocery shopping in several weeks, we have been eating out and that is not good for either one of our healths, I don't care about work, I haven't been able to go to church and stay, I don't have the desires I used to have, even over the simplest things! I know that I am probably depresses, and I am seeing someone for that. I have not been watching my diet (I am type II diabetic), not exercising, who even cares about bills, and them being late (that used to be SO important)... I JUST DON"T SEEM TO CARE ABOUT ANYTHING...

You know, it is really helping me write/blog. My therapist actually recommended journaling. When I first lost L.D., I found some blogs that really helped me. Just seeing what we all have been through, are going through and will continue to go through, I thought if I blogged, I could 1) help someone else 2) help w/ my grieving process. And so far, it has and SO MANY of you in blog land have helped! Some days (quiet a few) you guys are my life line! Sometimes I think, why am I feeling this way, etc.. and I find someone else is going through / has been through and I feel that I am normal, at least in our world. Thank you all for helping me get through this hell!

~Sarah~

You will not believe this....

2009-04-09T19:16:00.004-05:00

But, this is the way my "luck" has been...
So, a couple weeks back, we went to pick out a head stone for L.D. (another post) While we were there, the guy told us that we needed to contact the guy in charge of our cemetery to see what kind of head stone we could get. (I guess some cemetery's have restrictions on sizes??) Anyway, we found out that there are no restrictions, however, the sites that we picked out and paid for, were someone Else's!!?? No, no one is buried there, but there is a head stone there and is facing our plots. I thought that they would go the opposite from where we were, but found out that the headstones go at the head of the plot, which is usually facing the west. We had bought 4 original plots, so either D. or I could be on either side of L.D, or one of us could be buried w/ him. Now, neither option can work. We can't be on both sides of him, now that we have new neighbors, just one side, and we can't be buried with him, as his head stone will be at the head of where he is at, there for leaving no room for a double headstone for D. and I. The guy apologized to us, bur really, what could / can we do? We can't ask someone to move their headstone, and I AM NOT moving L.D. I think that we have been through enough for now... Seriously, I don't know how much more I can take.... ??!??!!!?!?!

~Sarah~

Our Story - Part III - Jan. 09, 2009 - Our UN-happy ending

2009-04-09T16:52:00.016-05:00

After getting the meds. started, and with it being so late, everyone tried to sleep. I was up all night. Obviously could not sleep. I remember just laying there thinking, flipping the tv, more thinking, crying off and on. At 4:00 am, they checked me, gave me more meds. Then 8:00 am, last does of meds. My water broke around 8:30 and was in hard labor until about 11:00 am. At that time, things started moving really fast.

At 11:20, Jan.09, 2009, Dale L. W. III was brought into this world, with out a single breath of air, to live with the Angels.

We did not know what we were having, and it did not matter, we just wanted a living happy healthy baby, and when the nurse told us, "it's a boy", we were both so happy and so sad at the same time. You see, my husband has always wanted a little boy, as most dad's do. He wanted a little boy, to name after him and his father, to truck with him, and to farm with him, and to have the relationship he and his father had. The hardest thing that I have ever heard my husband say, ever, was "you have given me everything that I have ever wanted", and all I could think was, "yes, but he is not alive". It completely broke my heart.

D. wanted to tell our family members that he was a boy. You see, we had all of our family there, they were so supportive. By the time that we had L.D., both of our Mothers were there, 5 sisters, then his Dad and other sister came up to see him. We all held him, and D. and I spent some alone time with him. We had 3 blessings of L.D. that day. Our priest came up and gave the last blessing, with all of our family members there. That really meant the world to me, us.

Little Dale was so perfect! I don't really know what I expected, but he was completely formed. 10 fingers, 10 toes, eyes, ears, nose, lips, he even looked like he had a little half smile on his face! I think that he was going to look like his dad! He looked so peaceful just laying there, in my hands. We kissed him, and hugged him. The one thing that looking back now I wished we would have done was get a picture of him w/ me and D.

The hospital was so very compassionate, caring, professional. I would not have wanted to be anywhere else. They had given us a very nice memory box, with 3 pictures of him, all wrapped up with his little stuffed dog the hospital gave him. I will cherish those pictures for ever.

We were released that night around 5:30 p.m. and got home around 7:30. It was so hard walking into our home, with out our little baby. We never thought that it would end up this way. We did not sleep at all that night, or for about the first 2 weeks. I remember going to bed, we both just layed there and cried and held that little blue blanket that they had wrapped L.D. in. We ended up going to D. parents at 5 in the am. We were both so upset and just needed to be with them. And out of our home. There were so many memories there! His parents were truly saints through out this whole time. We ended up at their house pretty much every morning and late at night, and sometimes during the day. D. is really close with his parent, and I love them so much! We just couldn't concentrate at home. All we did was cry.

The next day, Jan. 10th, we went to pick out L.D. little casket and made arrangements for the funeral. I remember being complety numb, and just crying. D. did most of it. He was so strong!

We had Little Dale's funeral on Jan 11, 2009. We had our parents, our brothers' and sisters, neices and nephews and two very close friends there. That is all we wanted. Little Dale had meant so much to them! We had our Preist do the service, and to be honest, I couldn't even tell you anything about it. I remember sitting there, just crying, numb, thinking why? Everything had been going so good! What could have happened!?!? We had two songs that D & I wanted played, Angels Among Us to start the service and Some Where Over the Rainbow to end the service. After the service we went to my parents, then to his. That was one of the worst days of my life.

The next couple weeks were a complete daze. We just survived. We have been through SO MANY ups and downs since then.

We will NEVER forget our Little Dale!

Here's to you little buddy! Mommy and Daddy LOVE YOU!

~Sarah~

Happy Birthday Little Dale!

2009-04-09T16:25:00.003-05:00

Three months ago Dale III came into our lives and left way to early. We wish everyday that you were here with us! We love you and miss you, Son. Happy Birthday! Love Mommy & Daddy!

~Sarah~

Our Story- Part II - Oct. 14th, 08 - Jan 08, 09

2009-04-08T20:36:00.011-05:00

Tues, Oct 14th, I was driving home from work. For some reason, I played the stupid game, "if there is a parking spot at the store, I will stop and get a pregnancy test". I think that ONLY reason that I did it, was b/c I was to have my yearly on that Friday the 17th, and I had not started. In fact, I was supposed to have started the week before, and be done. At this time I expected it to be negative, after all, over the years, I took SO MANY, and got negatives, this one had to be, right?

I hadn't taken a test in months. I was done with them, but I stopped, got one, went home and took it. IT WAS POSITIVE. I didn't even have to hold it at an angle to make sure there was or wasn't' a line. IT WAS POSITIVE!!! OMG!!! I then went and bought 4 more and they were all positive! I was so excited to tell D! When he got home later that night, he guessed it! I don't know why. I remember it to a T. He came home, and was walking down the hall to change. I was sitting in the chair, he says glowing. I am sure that I was grinning pretty big as I told him "I have something I need to talk to you about". That was his first guess! He was so happy! He has wanted a family for so long, we both come from big families, and are the last ones in each family to have any children. And it seemed like the time was finally here!

The next day, I bought 2 more, the ones that say "pregnant" or "not pregnant", and they both said pregnant! I could not believe it!

I didn't call my Dr since I had an apt in 3 days, b/c I didn't want them to say wait until x number of weeks before we see you, and plus I needed/wanted them to "confirm" the results, and with me being Diabetic, I wanted to stay on top of being healthy. So we went, and they did confirm the urine test, however it was a faint line. They took blood tests, and were to call us with the results. That was the longest day! They hadn't called by 4:30, so I called them. The nurse had to call me back, and when she did, the news was good. Our numbers were were they were supposed to be! We couldn't be happier! The Dr wanted us to get blood test every couple days, so I went and our numbers kept going up. I will admit, the first couple weeks when we were getting the blood test, I was scared and worried. But once we made it through the blood test, I was feeling better.

We had our first sono on Oct 31st, and we saw our little baby's heart beat! She said everything looked normal! Our first official appointment was on Nov. 17th. I heard the heartbeat! OMG! Everything sounded and seemed to be going good. By then, we were 9 weeks. I remember the Dr saying it was a good sign to hear the heartbeat this early. I was getting less and less nervous each week we made it. I did have to go on insulin. I went to meet with the diabetes educator, she gave me a diet to follow, check my sugars 6 times a day, insulin 4 times. All was going well.

Dec. 18th, dr apt. Heard the heartbeat, everything seems good and normal. I was finally starting to relax. We were 14 weeks. We had made it past the 3 month period. I felt that we were going to be fine.

We made it through the holidays. We had planned on starting the baby's room on Jan 01, 2009, and that is what we did.That Thursday,him and I moved everything out of the room. I did not move or carry anything heavy.

That Friday, I went to work. I felt good all day. The girls at work were really starting to notice I was getting big. I got home that day, and used the rest room. I thought that I had noticed some very light pink. I kept checking and didn't see anything else.

The next day, Saturday I kept checking. I was feeling fine, no cramps, no blood. I remember resting all day. D. went to play Santa Claus, I went to my sisters, as D. and his nephew painted the room, so I wouldn't be around the fumes.

The next day we celebrated my dad's 65th birthday, which was actually the 8th. All my family could make it on that Sunday, so we had a little get together. We had a good day, no problems, no cramping, no bleeding.

On Monday (5th), I called the nurse, just to let her know, I told her what had happened, but I was having no problems, felt good, etc.. She said just watch everything and if I had any problems, to call her.

Tuesday (6th) was my birthday. It was also the first and last day that I took a picture of our baby inside my belly. I don't know why I took it. I didn't think anything was wrong, but I had been saying, "We need to take some pictures of the baby in my belly". Now, I am so glad that I have that one picture, I will forever keep. The nurse called that day to check on me. No problems to report. I thought that it was very nice of her to call.

Wed.(7th) D. had to go to the dr and get a scope done. He had been sick, and they wanted to check his ulcer. I took him and waited for him, when we got home, the nurse had called again to check on me. All good, no problems. I thought again, wow, this is really good care. That afternoon I had a really bad "cramp" that I honestly thought was gas bubble, but it was high, right under my right rib cage, so I thought it was gas. I went about my day, we had our Church Christmas party that night. No problems.

Thursday (8th) was the day that our lives were turned upside down and our hearts were crushed. I woke as usual, feeling good. No problems. We both went on our way to work. I had a 3 hour drive that am, so I left early. On the way to the store, I stopped to use the rest room, and that is when I saw bright red blood. To be honest, it didn't scare me right away. I had been constipated, and I know it sound's stupid, but I really thought it was from that. Again, I was not cramping, I kept checking, and no more blood. After I left the store, I went ahead and called the nurse. When I talked to her, I started crying. She wanted me to come in and get checked, just to be safe. I called D, just to let him know. He was in St. Louis working, and asked if I wanted him to meet me. I said no, everything would be fine. I was thinking that I would be able to see what we were having and tell D., but was sure that everything was fine. I was 3 hrs. away from the Dr. I stopped on the way there, just to check, and nothing. I just knew that EVERYTHING would be fine.

My sister K. thankfully had an apt. that day, with the same Dr. I had talked to her and wanted her to be with me, since she was going to be there. (Another reason I told D. he didn't need to come up.)

Well, I got there, and they immediately got me into the sono room. Time went SO SLOW, but yet everything happened so fast. My sister wasn't done when I first went in, so she was not able to be there. When I went in the room, I immediately started crying. I guess I was more scared than I realized. I told the tech what was going on, and she got me ready. When the sonographer came in, she was so nice. She asked me some questions, and started the sono. I could tell instantly there was no heartbeat, but there was a perfect little baby. My world collapsed! The poor lady was crying also. She was so nice. I wouldn't let her leave at first. Here I was, I just found out that my little baby was dead, in a cold, dark sonogram room! I was bawling my eyes out! I finally let her go and find my sister, who in the mean time had called me to see where I was. (we were just across the hall). She finally came into the room and we just hugged. She is my baby sister, 4 years younger than me, and my best friend. I unfortunately put so much on her that night. I had to tell D. but didn't want to tell him when he was by him self. We are an hour and a half away from the hospital, so I had K. call his mom and dad, and they unfortunately had to tell him. He was devastated. I had also called my other sister. She lives in the town where we went to the dr. She didn't answer, but called right back, and K. told her what was going on. J. was there within minutes. We had be brought back to the other side of the hall where my dr was and ushered into a room. It was pure hell. I am glad my sisters were there for me. D. was on his way up, his parents were bringing him. The dr came in to let us know our options. 1) Go home, wait for it to happen naturally, I did not want that, 2) Have a DNC, I did not want that. The FMF had came in the sono room and said that they could induce, so I asked my dr. about that. He seemed hesitant, but in the end that is what we did. I had "waited for nature to take it's course" before with the first miscarriage, and I just couldn't go through that again. And, I did not want to risk a DNC. Of course, if things didn't progress with the meds, that is what would have had to happen. I had called D. and told what was going on. Somewhere in between, K. called our parents to tell them what was going on. I was upset that we had to tell them, as it was my dad's birthday, and they both were so upset.
We had been transferred to the hospital down the road, got registered, had to wait in a "surgical" room until I could get up to the L&D floor. At first they were trying to not put me up there, but in the end that is where we ended up, around 1030 pm.
D. and his parents got there around 6:30 pm, my other sister got there around the same time. Everyone was so sad, and crying. I hated seeing my husband so upset! His eyes were so sad! His heart was so broken! And of course his parents were just as upset. We all waited for a while so they could get me a room, which was taking FOREVER. My in-laws left around 9pm, and we were finally moved to a room around 10.30pm. We had asked for one more sono, just to make sure and so that D. could see our little baby. It was so heartbreaking. The baby had turned, and we could see everything! We both cried so much! We were actually seeing our little baby, who was so perfect, but not living!

My 3 sisters stayed by us all night and we were ever so grateful for their support. They all dropped everything in their lives to be there for us.

They finally started the meds. for induction at midnight. Jan 9, 2009.

~Sarah~

Our Story - Part 1 - Before Oct 14th, 2009

2009-04-08T19:06:00.009-05:00

Our story begins way back in the good ol'days... short version of part one. My husband and I met in high school, he was a Sr, I was a freshman, we "went out" for the better part of the year then went our separate ways. Then my Jr year, we got back together and have been since.

We found out that we were pregnant on Jan. 10, 1996, four days after my birthday. We were very young, but we were extremely excited. Our first Dr apt, went for a sono, no heartbeat. We miscarried our first little Angel on Feb. 10, 1996, whom we have named our Angel Baby. We were approx. 3 months pregnant, but with the size of the baby, we could not tell what we would have had, or what happened. At that time, we were told all of the things that you just don't want to hear, mainly, "this is for the best". It was very tough on us, but we somehow made it through.

We married on Oct. 4, 2003. We wanted nothing more than to have a family. We had been together for 8 years at that time and had "officially" started trying that summer. I had gone to the dr for a prenatal appointment, at that time not thinking anything would ever be wrong. Well, we had tried for 5 1/2 years to become pregnant on our own and to no avail. In that time we went to 4 different Dr's., diagnosed with PCOS, diagnosed w/ Type II Diabetes, tried Chlomid 3 times, charted dates, took numerous pregnancy test, and no baby. We were told that we could try the more aggressive ways to get pregnant, IVF, IUI, but I was not ready for that.

Finally, this past summer of 08, my husband and I came to the realization that it would be the 2 of us for the rest of our lives, and we were both OK with that.
Of course, we still "kept trying", and we were not doing anything to prevent getting pregnant, but thought, it's been this long, it's not going to happen. With out watching the calendar, our lives became less focused on getting pregnant.

I had also given our quest to be parents to GOD. If we were meant to be parents, it would happen. A favorite saying of mine used to be, "Let go and let GOD", and that is exactly what I did.

We went on vac. on Oct 10, 11, and 12th, and had a blast! We got back on Sunday the 12th, went to work on Monday. Little did we know, Tuesday the 14th, our lives would change forever!

It will always be special b/c it was our first vac. together, and because, looking back now, I realized our little miracle was growing inside me and I didn't even know it!

~Sarah~

Wed, April 8th

2009-04-08T14:38:00.001-05:00

Three months ago today, our lives completely fell apart, as we found out our little baby did not have a heart beat. Tomorrow is the day that our Little Dale III, came into this world, sleeping. I am having a rough time this week. I should be 28 weeks pregnant, and I am not. There is so much going on. I just miss him so much!

I love you Little Dale!

~Sarah~

Baby's Room

2009-04-05T22:03:00.003-05:00

Well, didn't get the floor started or finished. As we pulled up the carpet yesterday, we discovered the floor by the window somewhere has leak, that runs across the whole back part of the house. I guess that is good that we found it now and get it fixed. But I am wondering what the hell else can go wrong in my life right now? I am tired of having all these ups and downs. Emotions, feelings, life, work, EVERYTHING! Why can't I just have that normal, perfect, nothing bad happens, sun is always shining, grass is always green life?!?!??!??!?!
Oh, a great start to another great week.....
~Sarah~

"Excessive Joy Injures the Heart"

2009-04-03T21:05:00.003-05:00

So I am sitting in my office at my computer, and I look over at my "library" of books, and this one catches my eye, "Excessive Joy Injures the Heart".... that could not be any closer to the truth! This is not a book I bought after we lost Little Dale, to be honest, not sure that I read it. But as I sit here and think about the title, all I CAN think is that is absolutely true. We were so, so, so very full of joy when we found out we were expecting, and the whole 4 1/2 months we were on cloud nine. Then it all came crashing down on us, and injured our hearts with an injury that can never be repaired.

~Sarah~

Thursday 4/2

2009-04-02T17:56:00.002-05:00

This week has not gotten any bettter.. I am in a slump. I miss my babies. I really wish that they were here with us. Why can't they be? I struggle SO MUCH just wondering why????? Right now I feel like my whole life has no meaning. All we ever wanted it to have children, and when we finally got the chance, after expecting NOT to be able to have children, we loose our Little Dale. I am going through my life right now in slow motion, just going through the motions.I have found myself wishing this year to be over, but really, what good will that do? We lost Little Dale on Jan. 09, so the first of next year is NOT going to be any better.
It seems that everytime I turn around someone new is pregnant. It is hard with my job. I manage 9 stores, with 65+ employees. Yes, I realize with that many people, all women, someone is bound to be pregnant. But why now? And I hear quite a bit of them not wanting to be pregnant! If only they knew how lucky and blessed they are!
I don't have any motivation, I don't want to do the things I used to enjoy. I only do what I have to. I am so thankfull for my husband, he is a tremendous help and full support system.
The "baby room" is offically getting finished on Sunday. My b.i.l. is coming over to put the hard wood floor in. I went in the room last night, not sure why.. it still hurt, and I am pretty sure that it will really hurt when we see it done, and start putting it back together.
~Sarah~

This week, so far, sucks...

2009-03-31T20:53:00.003-05:00

Well, Sunday was a dud. Very bad day. Nothing prompted it. I woke early for mass, went, left mass early b/c I couldn't stop crying. I stopped at Little Dale's grave site, to visit him, and cried some more. I just miss him SO MUCH! I wish he could be here on earth with us, his Mom and Dad and family. It hurts so much. People still don't understand. That is what sucks. Even family, I feel as though they think that we should be back to our old selves already. Guess what, it is not going to happen anytime soon...

Then of course there is that time consuming thing we call a job that I had to go to on Monday and today... nothing major happened with work. The thing that gets me is that I drive quite a distance to most of my locations. When I drive, I think. All my thoughts go back to L.D., and why, and what happened, what will the future hold. That is the hard part. Just driving and thinking.

My brother in law stopped by today. He is going to start/finish "The Baby's Room". We had started on it Jan. 01, 2009. We lost L.D. on Jan, 09, 2009. We (my hubby) had put the first coat of paint on, and he was getting ready to finish and trim it when we found out we were loosing L.D. Anyway, we hadn't done anything to the room since. So it has been sitting there, empty.
Waiting to be finished. My b.i.l. is going to put down hard wood floor, and I will then put the room back together. I can't wait to see what it is going to look like, I do think that it is going to be HARD. We did not go into that room until the end of Feb., over a month since we lost him. The door had been closed the whole time, never opened. We couldn't. And let me tell you, it was SO EMOTIONAL. We both cried. We both had been doing "good" and thought that we were strong enough at the time to go in there. But once that door was opened, tears flooded. The room held so many good memories and future memories. We had worked so hard getting everything out of it , hubby doing the major moving / lifting. We were in the process of deciding how we would decorate the baby's room. Nothing to frilly if it was a girl, no animals for a boy... :-) oh the memories... :-( I am not putting all the stuff back in it. It kind of had been the "everything room", extra closet for storage, sowing machine, ironing board, extra dresser, spare bed... I think that I will put just the bed, L.D. memory box with all his stuff and the dresser we were going to use for the baby's room. I am going to put the His picture and our first Angel we lost on the wall. I want it to be peace full, and tranquil. A place where I can just go and sit and think of our angels with out interruptions. I hope it turns out good!

My little niece and I picked some flowers from my yard, not sure what they are, and I took them to L.D. tonight. I like stopping by just to tell him that I LOVE HIM and MISS HIM so much. I know that I can tell him that anytime and anywhere, and I do. It just helps to go and see him.

We are planning on going to the monthly SH.A.R.E meeting tomorrow night. I think this makes me nervous / anxious. I am not sure why.. .I am sure that it will be fine. We are going to try and find the Angel of Hope before the meeting.

Guess that is all for now... hopefully the week looks up...

I love you Little Dale!

~Sarah~

March 29th

2009-03-29T11:06:00.003-05:00

Today is a bad day. I have a heavy heart. I miss my little angels. I just wish they both could be here with us. They are so loved.
~Sarah~

Under the Tree

2009-03-26T21:41:00.004-05:00

This is the first time that I have done a "Under the Tree", and I think that it is great! If you are not familiar with it, check it out and Carly's blog, http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/, she does many GREAT things in honor of her son.

Do you have a special place in your home for your baby/ies? What is it like? Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby/ies?
We have a mantel that has many nice things on there to honor our son, Little Dale, and our first child, Angel Baby. We have the beautiful pictures of their names in the sand, THANK YOU CARLY. We also have several pictures from L.D.'s sonogram, several angels, precious moments of a little baby boy sleeping on a cloud, and some dried flowers from L.D.'s funeral.

If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby/ies?
I do believe in afterlife, and I do believe in signs. I usually have many signs, but since we lost L.D. in Jan. I have only had one. I dreamt one night of a little baby boy, with chubby cheeks, and blonde hair. I could only "see" him sleeping. In my heart, I know it was my son.

Do you have a special poem, song, prayer or quote in memory of your baby/ies?
One of our favorite songs is the Hawaiian version of Somew.here Ov.er the Rain.bow. My husband and I danced to it the night before we lost Little Dale, in our living room. We played this song at our son's funeral. When I listen to the words, I think of our little angels, hanging out over the rainbows, playing with the blue birds... :-)

~Sarah~

Check out this blog.

2009-03-25T21:44:00.002-05:00

Check out this blog. Nikki is doing something great!

http://familiesofangels.blogspot.com/

~Sarah~

This and That...

2009-03-25T21:01:00.004-05:00

People just don't understand. I seriously think that people believe we should be done grieving and mourning. Now, I don't plan on living in this state of mind that I have been in forever. And if I do, people need to get over it! Both of my children have not made it to this world living. I will never stop grieving their loss! My heart will completely be shattered for the rest of my life. It is almost 3 months, on 4/9 that Little Dale came into our lives, and it has been 13 years we lost our first child. In between that time, we struggled with infertility, not even thinking we were ever going to have any children. People just do not understand! I have not spoken to several of my "friends". Not that they did anything wrong. I just don't care about the things that I used to. I actually had a friend who in the midst of loosing Little Dale, email me and told me to call her so we can "catch up". Really. "catch up". Now, to be fair, I know that she was meaning well, and told me I could talk to her about anything, but the last freaking thing I wanted to do was "catch up"! I don't care who is doing what, how work is going, how her life or anyone elses' is going! I JUST WANT TO GRIEVE LOOSING MY SON! I want to wonder what happened, I want to know why it happened, I want to know why us, I want to cry, or sit on my couch or stay in bed and not move except to go and visit Little Dale's grave site. I WANT TO GRIEVE! And that is what I am going to continue to do, until I am ready not to grieve. I know that I WILL NEVER, NEVER, NEVER be the same fun, crazy, spontaneous, care-free person I have been, and I AM OK WITH THAT. I have my wonderful husband, and my sisters / family. Really, that is all I need or want.
I am going to try a grief counselor out tomorrow. I have had the appointment for a couple weeks, and it is here now. I have been nervous / anxious / worried, about it. I am not sure why. It is just that I can not stop thinking about Little Dale, not that I don't want to think of him, I wish he was here. I just think of everything that has happened, and what we will never have with him. And of course our first child. I think that is one of the biggest things that people don't understand that have not been through this. Not only have we physically, mentally and emotionally lost our children, but we also lost the future with them. All the first, the birthdays, the holidays, everything we had planned! We were so excited and had it all planned out that Little Dale (whom I SWORE was a little girl we were naming Willow) was going with us on vacation in Oct to a BBQ Competition that we like to go to. He would have been 5 months, we were so excited to take him. Then there is the annual Halloween party that our family has. My niece was wanting "her" to dress up the same as her(my niece), and my nephew wanted "him" to dress up has him (my nephew). And I had already planned for Christmas, we were doing the picture cards! And of course, we wanted to show him off to everyone! So many people take all of this for granted.
I am trying to put one foot in front of the other, but I have to admit, I am on auto pilot. I make myself get out of bed, most days. I am fortunate enough to work from home as need be. I make myself go on, and at times, I just don't want to! When I have idle time, I think of him, when I drive (alot for work), when I try and sleep (hardley ever), when my mind is not occupied, everything (bad) just keeps replaying in my mind! And trust me, it is not something that a mother who so desperately wanted a child, wants to replay, over and over again.
~Sarah~

Thank You

2009-03-23T19:56:00.002-05:00

I wanted to Thank You all for your kind thoughts, prayers and ideas. I have tried to comment back, but for some reason I get an error message and it won't let me "comment". I'm still learning, so mabey I will figure out soon! :-)

Variation of Pachelbel's Canon - Piano

2009-03-23T19:21:00.005-05:00

I love this song. I listen to it when I am in a good mood, a bad mood, an OK mood... I was listening to it on the way home from work today, and it was a long drive home. I listened to it many times, as loud as I could. And each time, I realised that it is the theme of my life right now. It starts out soft and slow, and in the sequence of approx. 6 minutes, you have every kind of beat of music. Fast, staccato, loud, slow, soft... and this is exactly how I feel! It takes me a while to get my thoughts / feelings going each day. I could stay down, but I push myself, then through out the day I have these highs and lows of my feelings. Sad, happy, confused, down, up, lost in space... you name it, that is how my days go.

A Simple Manicure ........

2009-03-22T20:11:00.007-05:00

As I was sitting here doing my nails for the first time in 6 months ( I did NOTHING that I thought would harm my little angel the whole time that I was pregnant), my mind began to remember. (I can now remember easier, ie, w/ out a pond of tears, being down for days, sometimes not getting out of bed.... )As I reached for the bottom coat, I see our answering machine. There are 9 (nine) messages on that machine that have been there since we lost Little Dale. The messages on that machine will never be erased. I can tell you exactly who they are from, what order and pretty much what the message says. We have even contemplated putting the answering machine in Little Dale's memory / hope chest, but I am afraid that if we were to unplug the machine we would loose the messages, and those messages mean the world to us. The kind words and caring thoughts people called to share. And, you see, it validates our Little Dale's short time here with us, his life that was cut way to short.
Then that reminds me of after loosing Little Dale. My nails were pretty long. One wouldn't have thought it would be the end of the world breaking a nail, ok, I wouldn't have anyway. :-) Anyway, when we got home from the hospital, of course I was in no mood / frame of mind to be taking care of my nails, however, the first one that broke in the following week, felt like the end of the world. I had this strange (?) thought process going on. I didn't want to loose anything that was a part of me at the same time that Little Dale was growing inside me.

Feeling sad.....

2009-03-19T20:59:00.003-05:00

Last night we found out that my husband's niece was pregnant with her second child. Unfortunately, today we found out that she had lost her little angel. While we are still grieving the lost of Dale III, it made us feel extreme pain for the struggle that they are going through, and will encounter the next days, weeks, months and years of their young lives. We feel tremendous pain and sadness for them. It also has re-opened some of the feelings that we have been feeling healing in our hearts. We will never be completely healed, as our hearts are completely shattered. Please send a prayer for them.

Going back to Church

2009-03-13T10:50:00.003-05:00

The past couple weeks/days have been pretty rough. I have really been having a hard time getting back into the swing of things. However, last night I gave all my worries, questions, problems, everything to GOD. I have had a very hard time with getting back into church. I am planning on going to mass this weekend. I know that GOD has been with me and helping me this whole time.

Happy Birthday Dale III

2009-03-09T22:40:00.002-05:00

Two months ago today, our little Dale III was born into this world. His birth and death completely turned our lives upside down. It still hurts so much. I can not get over the pain that I am carrying around! I know that someday it will be somewhat easier, but right now, it is not. Happy Birthday Dale III. Mommy and Daddy love you!

A little bit of everything....

2009-03-05T10:06:00.003-06:00

This week has been pretty tough... I think that the first the months are tough because we lost Little Dale on the 9th, it was a Friday, and I think of everything that happened that week leading up to it..

I am learning about blogging. When I took some time off after loosing Little Dale, I learned about FB and MS. Now I have found out how to blog... I find that reading others blogs helps me to realize that what I am feeling is "normal". Not that anything, ever again in our lives will be "normal". Anyway, who gets to decided what normal it? I have often wondered that. I pray frequently for all the Mommies (and Daddies/families) that I have read their blogs, and their families. The pain is so real! I hope that someday, we can find some sort of true peace, and true happiness, but I am not sure that will happen.

My wonderful husband and I went to a SHARE meeting last night. We met some very special, courageous people at that meeting. We both came away last night with some relief as to what we have been going through is common. It is unfortunate that you have to meet some great people under such terrible circumstances. It helped us by talking to people that have been through what we have, and just by telling our story. We will continue to go.

I also met with our Priest on Tues. I feel as though I am loosing my faith, and don't' want to. I am having a very hard time going back to church. Since we lost Little Dale, I have only been 2 times, one to "my" church, one to a different one. I don't want to see people at my church or talk to them, and I am not to sure why? Going to a different church though was not the answer for me. The day I picked was a day that they were having a baptism, and there were several little babies in church. That was hard. I just didn't feel like I belonged. However, through the tears of talking w/ my Priest, it helped, a little.. He encouraged me to continue praying, and that GOD understands that I (we) are going through a hard time, and he is always there for us. I will continue to work on my faith, as I don't want to loose it. I will try my best to get to mass this weekend.:-)

GOD Bless all of you!

Bad Day

2009-03-04T01:53:00.002-06:00

Hello Angel Baby,
I had a bad day yesterday and so far today. I thought of you all day. I cried. And cried. Cried myself to sleep, or what I consider sleep. I miss you and your Angel sibling. I so bad wish you were here with us. Your Daddy is the best. He is ALWAYS here to support me,and try and make me feel bettter. He completely understands, and doesn't pressure me to "get over it". Some days are easier, alot are not. I will always love you with every ounce of my being. I love you! Mommy

I miss you both....

2009-03-03T08:28:00.002-06:00

Hello Little Angels, I miss you both so much! I wish more than anything that you were here on this earth with your Mommy and Daddy! I think of you every day, all day. I love you both so much!

Sites that help me

2009-02-26T11:42:00.003-06:00

We do not have any support groups close to us, so I spend a lot of time online looking for online support groups. It has helped me by seeing how others are feeling, what they are going through, what to expect. In the beginning, I was looking for something to tell me how to feel, how long I should feel that way, what I should do and how to do it, but I have figured out, I feel the way I feel, and there is no right or wrong way to feel, and it will take forever to feel better. And if I want lay in bed all day and cry it is OK, if I want to be mad, it is OK. Anyone who has lost a child will probably never get over it, it might just get easier to live with the pain.

Here are some sites that I use:

pregnancystories.net (this is stories of Mothers who have lost their Babies)

mend.org ( has a good list of infant loss web sites that you can choose from)

hopeandhealingconnection.com ( faith based)

journeyofhearts.org (alot of info here)

unbornangels.com

nationalshare.org (they have some good newsletters)

Again, these are just a few sites that have helped me through that moment. There are so many helpful websites out there, I hope that you can find ones that help you through your time of need.

Why?

2009-02-26T06:48:00.001-06:00

I still wake up every morning and wonder "why"? Why did our little angel have to go? Why us? Why does it have to happen at all? Why, why, why? Sometimes I wonder if we ever will know....It just hurts so much....

We Miss our Little Angel

2009-02-25T20:10:00.001-06:00

It has been 1 month and 15 days since our little angel was stillborn, and we miss him so much. I am creating this blog in hopes to help others who have lost their angels.
Dale III was born on January 9th, 2009. We were 17 weeks 5 days the day he was born. It was one of the worst days of our lives. We had been so excited! We could not wait to have him in our lives, to hold him in our arms!